End of the Word: Boondock Saints 3 Spec -- Deleted Scene

Well, the world didn't end, so as promised. Here is my "Conjugal Visit" scene from my Boondock Saints 3 speculative script. For those of you unaware, "Spec script" means that I basically just wrote a more technical fan fiction for my favorite movie series and have put the finished project into my portfolio for when I start handing out my CV and applying for jobs in the film and television industry. I write a lot and this was honestly a labour of love more than anything else. It definitely brought closure to my relationship with the Boondock Saints. And made me love the story even more. 

Anyway, I do hope that nothing actually happens in the next 24 hours... that would suck.

Enjoy.

Love,

Kai Kiriyama

SC. 8(a)

INT. PRISON – CONTINUOUS

Connor and Murphy sit quietly on their respective beds in their cell. A GUARD knocks against the BARS of their cell. Connor and Murphy look up at the guard, SLOWLY.

GUARD:

You boys have visitors.

CONNOR:

No press.

GUARD: (snorts in contempt)

It's not press. Move it.

Connor and Murphy exchange CONFUSED looks. They stand in UNISON and move towards the CELL DOOR. The door OPENS and the guard HANDCUFFS the brothers. Additional GUARDS appear and fall in to FLANK the brothers as they are led down the hall.

MURPHY:

Who d'you suppose it is?

CONNOR:

Your guess is as good as mine.

MURPHY:

What if it's Ma'?

CONNOR: (a beat)

God have mercy on us if it is.

Connor and Murphy are led to the VISITOR ROOM. It is empty of all other PRISONERS. A solitary GUARD stands at the DOOR on the opposite side of the room from where the brothers entered. Connor and Murphy HESITANTLY take SEATS at the TABLE in the MIDDLE of the room. The GUARDS who escorted the brothers in leave.

Murphy TURNS to watch the guards LEAVE, suddenly very NERVOUS.

MURPHY:

We're gonna die.

CONNOR:

We're not gonna die.

MURPHY:

There's no guards in here.

There's no one else at all.

And look.

Murphy POINTS out the CAMERAS on the walls. All of them are DEACTIVATED.

MURPHY: (cont'd)

All the cameras are turned off.

CONNOR: (dryly)

Maybe it's a conjugal visit?

Murphy gives Connor a look of DISGUST.

A KNOCK sounds on the DOOR where the remaining GUARD STANDS. He opens the door.

Detectives DOLLY and DUFFY enter the room. DUFFY speaks quietly with the GUARD. DOLLY simply STARES at the BROTHERS.

CONNOR:

Told ya'. Conjugal. We're

gonna get fucked either way.

DUFFY finishes his conversation with the GUARD and the guard LEAVES. The two detectives stand over the BROTHERS, looking MENACING. Connor and Murphy stare UP at the detectives, INNOCNETLY. A TENSE moment passes.

MURPHY:

God, it's good to finally see

a friendly face.

DOLLY:

Yeah, about that, we've got bad news.

Dolly and Duffy sit down across from the MacManus Brothers.

DOLLY: (cont'd)

This isn't a social call.

CONNOR:

Aren't you gonna get

in trouble for this?

DUFFY:

Actually, we're here to get

your story about Greenly's death.

MURPHY:

Why? You were there.

DOLLY:

We didn't see the shooter.

DUFFY:

The Chief wants you to confess.

MURPHY:

It wasn't us, so that's

not gonna happen.

CONNOR:

We're not “cop killers”.

We're not letting you pin

that shit on us, too.

DUFFY:

We know that, but our bosses

don't. The public wants

closure.

MURPHY:

How much fuckin' closure do they

need? The shooter's body was right

there!

DOLLY:

It's a little messier than that.

MURPHY:

Bullshit! Why don't you just

tell everyone that Greenly was helpin'

us? That'll clear a few things right up,

and it's not like they can fire him now!

DUFFY:

We've considered it, believe me.

CONNOR:

We're not takin' the fall

for Greenly's death, so you've

wasted a trip.

DOLLY: (hesitantly)

You know we don't agree with

this, right? It's just a cover?

MURPHY:

No shit, Sherlock.

CONNOR:

Haven't you learned anything yet?

Connor and Murphy LAUGH at the Detectives' expense.

DOLLY: (relieved)

You bastards are gonna give

me a heart attack.

DUFFY:

How are you two holding up?

MURPHY: (shrugs)

Roof over out heads, three squares

a day, we're pretty much left in our

cell all day 'cause every time we go

out, a riot breaks out.

CONNOR:

We're very social, made loads

of friends in the year since we've

been in here. We're pretty popular.

DOLLY:

What're you gonna do?

CONNOR:

Wait it out. We're model

prisoners. We only fight back

in self defence.

DOLLY: (mutters)

Jesus...

DUFFY:

You know they're sending

in a shrink?

MURPHY:

'Bout time.

DUFFY:

You want a psych evaluation?

MURPHY:

Why not? S'not like we need

to prove we're not insane. Everyone's

already made that judgement call

for themselves.

CONNOR: (a beat)

You're the first visitors we've

had. No press, no lawyers, nothin'.

We're totally alone here.

MURPHY:

And we're still not “cop killers”.

The DOOR opens then, and the GUARD returns. Duffy and Dolly STAND slowly and follow the guard, leaving. Murphy halfheartedly WAVES goodbye as the DOOR slams shut.

The Princess and the Punk

DISCLAIMER:

Before I begin, I'm being ranty, opinionated and probably relatively misogynistic. In real life I am a woman, I have gone through all sorts of ego busting, self-doubt, self-hate, hating on everyone else, low self-esteem and pretty much any negative aspect you can throw at a girl in general. I'm not writing this to pick on anyone. I'm writing this as a commentary on the way I view the media since I'm working my way into it slowly. Feel free to argue with me in the comments or wherever you feel most comfortable contacting me. I'm cool with that. I want to see your opinions, read your thoughts etc. I don't care if you're male, female, transgendered, alien, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, Atlantian, zombified, rich, poor, famous, obscure, or any combination of adjectives you care to throw at me. I'm observing, and commenting. And I have no problem in arguing with you 'till we're both blue in the face. However, I will not tolerate demonizing or invalidating my opinions, so let's keep it civil. Cheers.

Now, read on.

*****

I love the fact that there are such eager stereotypes that women in [the media] are thrown into. In my opinion, it boils down to three or four distinct types that are essentially broad generalizations, if not outright Tropes. There's the Princess, the Sweetheart, the Diva, and the Punk.

I find that these broad generalizations happen regardless of what you're doing. You're a woman, you're in any form of media and you're pretty much typecast. There are probably a hundred variations and sub-classes but for now, I want to focus on these four major stereotypes.

First off, there's the Princess. This is the golden child, the royalty of the media world. This is the girl who can do no wrong, and if she does, there will be another chance, another book, another film, another sex tape, etc ad nauseum. I find that this is where the up and coming stars fall once they "make it big". Kirsten Dunst, Reese Witherspoon, Lindsey Lohan, Drew Barrymore and so on and so on. They have all been in this spotlight at one point or another. They are (or were) the royalty of the silver screen for a time. These are the women who make headlines and are on the cover of every rag mag forever -- regardless of what sort of crazy fabricated drama is happening -- and are still making movies/books/music whatever. The Princesses are the cash cows, the golden calves, the most sought-after young talent who will annoy you forever. The Princesses will go one of two ways, typically: they either stay in Royalty mode, appearing to make headlines when they get another deal, or the turn into Divas. Princesses who remain Princesses are the women who will show up in a major blockbuster five years after we've forgotten about her without the typical downward spiral that we (as an audience) come to expect. Scarlett Johannsen is prime example of movie royalty. Emma Stone is a current Princess as well, in my opinion. They are sought after by movie executives and producers and star in amazingly big roles consistently without the drama of a drug binge or whatever sort of drama you're likely to see on the internet or in the rag mags. Very much royalty in that sense.

Then there's the Sweetheart. These are women who are very much like the Princess, but are generally super bubbly and cute. Some people call them "Manic Pixie girls" which I can now understand. Zooey Deschanel is the biggest perpetrator of the Sweetheart stereotype. I use the term stereotype as there is no better way to describe this. I'm sure all of the women I mention are decent humans, but for the sake of argument, these are all stereotypes that we've been given to digest. Sweethearts are the ones who show up on talk shows and are all manners and soft spoken or bubbly. Exactly what you think a 'Sweetheart' would be if you called your friend that. These are the women who are expected to be super nice all the time forever and who rarely hit tabloids for fabricated drama (unless there's a divorce/romance involved) and even then, it's usually fabricated or blown out of proportion.

Divas, on the other hand, are the women who you EXPECT to be on the cover of tabloids. Any Princess can turn into a Diva by having a fit. Diva is not used in the old-school term here, more in the way that they will throw a fit if everything isn't perfect. These are the women who can't handle the Princess lifestyle and tend to end up photographed drunk, doing drugs and generally being bad for publicity. This is not to be confused with Punks, which I will get to in a moment. I find that anyone who falls into the Diva category is someone who either shouldn't be famous but still is, is only famous for being rich/having a sex tape/ etc, or is so over the top that you can't help but allow them to be famous for whatever they're doing. You can figure out who's a Diva int his sense on your own.

Finally, we have the Punks. These are women who stand up and out and will not be conformed by wearing pink and relying on men/fate/whatever to dictate their shit (within reason of remaining in their current profession.) Although, I suppose that with today's technology and things like Kickstarter, the true Punk women are taking a lot more control over things. My biggest examples of successful Punk women are Amanda Palmer and Avril Lavigne. These are women who do what they want, when they want and give a big ol' middle finger to the expectations of the media and have made a successful career for themselves.

Having said all of this, I get to the overall point of this rant.

I find that women who fall under the Princess or Sweetheart category are typically more successful than Punks. Divas are successful for reasons beyond my worldly comprehension and I assume black magic is involved with anyone who ends up like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.

I can respect the women who fall under the Princess or Sweetheart category. I really can. In my opinion, some of my favorite female actors fall into one of those two categories. And I applaud their success.

Now the question is: do you HAVE to start out as a Princess or a Sweetheart to make it anywhere these days?

I'm definitely not a Princess. I'm a genuinely nice person in real life, but I do very much appreciate the word "fuck" in everyday conversation. Does that make me less of a Sweetheart? Probably. I love action movies. I love fight scenes, I love "guy" movies. I love to read books that involve adventure and fighting and pillaging. I'm turned off my chick lit or chick flicks or romance. Hell, I don't even read erotica. I listen to punk music, and heavy metal, and I will happily drink beer over a Cosmopolitan any day and yet, I can cook, clean, sew, crochet and generally run a house like any good wife should be able to do.

But what I write is definitely not what you'd expect from a Princess or a Sweetheart.

I march to the beat of my own drum (and that drum typically sounds like a rowing beat on a Viking longship) and I don't let the opinions of the general public get to me. I wear my hair short and would rather pull on a pair of jeans than a dress and flip off the camera instead of blowing a kiss to the photographer. 

But is my Punk nature going to make me second fiddle to the literary Princesses? Is my Vikings-versus-Aliens intentional B-movie going to be rejected in exchange for a Sappy Romance Drivel B-movie?

I'll never know until I try, but right now, it feels like there's very little hope for women who refuse to play the Tropes,

Never afraid of a bit of controversy, Kai lives in Canada in a stuffy room with her laptop and too much caffeine. She spends her days performing menial and mundane tasks that her so-called real-life demands and spends her nights not sleeping due to chronic insomnia. 

Kai is also a contributor to Zombie Training Magazine. www.zombietraining.com

Kai loves to chat (and she loves a challenge). If you wanna get in touch with her, you can do so at the following places:

Email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
Facebook: facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama

Why I hate Children

WARNING: This is a rant. I am pretty mad right now. I am planning to cuss in this one. You've been warned.

All right, so it's not really children that I hate. I can deal with them in small amounts, and usually the children I (am forced to) socialize with are relatively well-behaved.

It's the PARENTS who I wish to destroy in all forms of violent and gratuitous manners.

I went to see Brave tonight with my sister. (She is my youngest sister and is 15.) What a great movie! It would have been more than great but we decided to go on a Tuesday night. At 7:15. AND THE THEATRE WAS FILLED WITH CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 5.

Who the ever-lovin' fuck takes their toddlers out to a movie at 7 on a Tuesday night?

Obviously every douchebaggy parent in the city.

I was perfectly willing to accept the fact that there were children in the theatre. I wasn't sure what to expect from another Disney-Pixar movie (except that it was guaranteed that I would cry at least once during the movie.) I certainly didn't expect there to be as many families with young children there as there were! A family with two very young children (I'm guessing that they were both under 4 years old and the younger of the two was 18 months) sat in front of us.

I didn't swear about that fact, the baby was really adorable.

Until about 30 minutes into the movie when this kid wouldn't stop fussing and crying.

Now, this is a 2-parent family. Mom and Dad were both sitting there, with both kids and one of them was screaming and crying. Well, Mom was an obese woman and she didn't do a damn thing. She didn't get off her fat ass and take care of this crying kid. No, instead, she loudly told her (husband?) to take the kid out of the theatre after he had been crying for TEN FUCKING MINUTES.

Ten minutes?? Really? You couldn't get off your ass to take your screaming kid out of the theatre so that you didn't disturb anyone else? And then you make your male-thing take the screaming child outside? You lazy bitch.

Here's the kicker to this story: THE DAD COMES BACK ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER AND SAYS THAT HE CAN'T CALM THE KID DOWN!!

So now we're treated to the Dad loudly insisting that the kid won't calm down, the kid is STILL FUCKING CRYING and I can't hear the whispers of the Scottish characters on the screen because of the bullshit caterwauling this damn kid is making.

I don't go out a lot. I don't have a huge budget for going out and I usually spend what little extra money I have on books or sometimes on meals out with friends or on beer. When I DO get to go out, it's a huge deal and a real treat for me. So to have the first movie that I've seen in theatres since Toy Story 3 (we saw the Avengers in theares, but that was a birthday party, so I don't really count it as a movie night because we budgeted for my birthday party to be a movie and dinner) ruined by a screaming child does not sit well with me.

I was about to say something but the kid finally shut up, so I was relieved of that duty, thankfully.

But this same lazy bitch is such a terrible parent that when we were getting up to leave the theatre (well, when THEY were) she just stood there and yelled at her children until they listened to her. She didn't try to be polite, she didn't try to be a good parent. Hell, she wasn't even responsible. She just stood there yelling at her hyper, screaming toddlers as other people were trying to leave.

Fuck it, not my problem.

When the credits finished (because almost every movie has a little scene of awesome after the credits nowadays, and Brave was no exception) we got up and all had to go to the bathroom. So my sister and I head into the ladies room.

Lo and behold, there is a Cineplex staff member using the washroom. She obviously wasn't on a break as she was trying her damnedest to hustle out of the bathroom after washing her hands but no. Some dumb blonde bitch of a mother (wearing booty shorts and toting two children, again probably both under the age of 4) starts harassing this poor girl!

"Don't you clean these bathrooms? You should talk to your manager! These counters are all wet and small children get soaked when we have to wash their hands! I'm going to speak to your manager about this! Why can't you people wipe this up?"

Fuck's sake, you stupid blonde bimbo! Why don't YOU wipe the fucking water up if it's such a problem? Or, you know, if you were a better parent you would hold your kid up to the sink in a manner that wouldn't get them wet in the first place.

Most public washrooms that don't have doors (like at most malls here, and almost all the theatres) don't have paper towels anymore. Waste reduction and blah blah blah. So how the fuck do you expect anyone to wipe the counters every five fucking minutes?

And this poor girl was just trying to pee and wash her hands so that she could get back to work. There's no need for you to hassle her! Fuck.

I don't understand why these young mothers think that they are so entitled to whatever the fuck they want. Oh good for you, you had unprotected sex and now you have reproduced. Fuck you. Do you want a fucking cookie? ANYONE can have a goddamn child. It's not that difficult to procreate. Why the fuck are you so self-entitled? Why are you such a goddamn prick?

And why the fuck are you so inconsiderate towards everyone else around you?

Y'know what? Fuck it. I don't want to know.

What I WANT is for all of these self-entitled bitches to fuck right off and crawl back into whatever fucking suburb they crawled out of because frankly? I don't give a shit about you. I don't give a shit about your children. You're the inconsiderate bitch who is ruining my movie-date. You're the self-entitled prick who blames everything on everyone else.

You're not a special goddamn snowflake just 'cause you squeezed out another living being from between your flabby, self-righteous thighs. You haven't birthed the next King Arthur.

You're just another sad sack of a human being, a waste of skin filled with hot air and bullshit and honestly, you don't deserve to have these kids in public.

So kindly crawl back into your rich, white-privilege, suburb-friendly, penis envying, gas guzzling car and let me at least have my one night out to myself without wanting to set the zombie apocalypse loose on the cinema and then rampage and kill you first.

Shit, there's definitely a reason why I prefer books over movies.

Kai Kiriyama is a self-righteous bitch in her own right. While she doesn't have kids of her own, she's  taken her  younger siblings out to movies when they were kids and not a blessed one of them was misbehaved.

Also, she regrets nothing.

Email her at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com if you wanna complain.
And follow her on Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir

She welcomes the backlash.

Screenwriting and the Pen

My first love was writing for film.

No, that's a lie. I used to write stories for comic books - usually involving Spider-Man - and stories in general for all sorts of things for school. (One year, I wrote strictly X-Files fan fictions [not knowing that 'fan fiction' existed back then] for every writing assignment I was given. I never got a mark lower than 98% on any of those assignments.)

But I really got hooked and decided to pursue writing as a career when I started writing for film.

I don't know how I did it as a kid. I was 11 when I decided I wanted to write professionally and 13 when I started writing for film. Maybe I had a better attention span back then? I can't say, but I wrote scripts ALL the time.

And I mean ALL the time.

I was consumed and obsessed with it. I started buying books, borrowing books, doing internet research and writing all the time.

I started with writing a Fantastic Four film script and a script for either Cable or Bishop, but I can't remember which now. I never did finish that Fantastic Four script because the movie was announced when I was about 45 pages in and I raged and deleted it. Which was a shame because I had the story translated into modern-day way better than the actual film did. (I'm so humble.)

So then I started writing my own work into a script.

I completed my first draft of my first script when I was 14 and was ready to be published at 16 and chased that dream for 3 years, going so far as to contact agents, critics, editors and certain celebrities. (Best day of my life, man, getting approval from one of my heroes.  But that's neither here nor there.)

But I didn't get published. Obviously, that never happened. Thank GOD. That script is terrible, and I'm pretty sure that the hard drive it was on crashed and was corrupted.

Not a big deal, really. It would've been a B-movie at best.

The point is that now I am getting back into the swing of writing for film and television.

And I forgot how hard it is!

I have so little attention span for the formatting. It drives me insane. And the program I am using to format (Celtx) is driving me even more insane. I dunno if there's a secret to making this program work better, but I'm going batty over it. Not to mention that during the Week from Hell, I lost 8 pages and 2 scenes that were emotional and had amazing dialogue that I will never get back in this 40 minute spec script I'm writing.

Oh yeah. I'm writing SPEC SCRIPTS. These aren't even my own work. I mean, okay, the stories are, but the characters aren't. It's like a more technical version of a fan fiction. (I feel like I'm 12 again and writing those X-Files stories.) Except I'm not.

And the formatting is irritating me. I'm not the director, why do I HAVE to put these stage directions in? I'm just a writer, the actors and directors should deal with that. HA!

Anyway, it's a long and tedious process and I'm none to impressed with the way I've been handling it. It's sad and I've been really quite lazy about it. Lazy and frustrated.

There is another point to this.

I used to write EVERYTHING longhand and edit as I typed it up. Then, when I had the first draft typed, it was really the second draft and was ready to be polished and edited a third time to make my 'final draft'. Yeah, it was a longer process in reality, but I felt that it was much more efficient than typing as I go.

Also, when I started this I was still living in my mom's house and sharing a single computer amongst my family. So writing in notebooks by hand made so much more sense to me. I got so much more accomplished. Plus, it made me feel cool in a totally pretentious and what would now be called 'hipster' kind of way.

I could get SO INTO my writing when I was sitting there writing by hand. I would take it with me everywhere and write whenever I could. At work, on my breaks, I was writing. I would have a granola bar and a fizzy juice drink of some sort and write for half an hour. It was amazing. I would be up all night writing in bed because I needed to get the ideas out.

Now I'm a grown-up and I have my own lap top, so I have been neglecting my hand writing.

Thinking about it makes me sad, really. I still have a billion notebooks, and some really awesome binders. And I buy thousands of pens (I buy some almost every time I'm in any place that sells pens... even the grocery store and stuff, it's an addiction!) So why don't I still hand write all my work? I dunno. But I seem to think that I might be more productive if I did.

Hmm...

Kai Kiriyama lives in the frozen North - otherwise known as Canada. She isn't kidding when she says she has a billion pens.
You can follow her eon twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
You can email her at: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
And you can find her on facebook here  

Marvel vs. EVERYTHING, theoretical characters and pipe dreams

So, I love Marvel vs. Capcom. My team usually consists of Wolverine, Deadpool and Thor.

I really suck at the game. But that's beside the point.

Okay, so who else would I love to see in Marvel vs. EVERYTHING? I mean, shoot, with the releases of all these new characters and stuff, it's only a matter of time before we start seeing random people from random movies or something. (I'd play as Optimus Prime if I could!)

Who could I theoretically throw in there?

Why not the Boondock Saints?

My theoretical team would then be Connor MacManus, Murphy MacManus and Deadpool. Or Thor, but I think Deadpool would work better with the Saints.

What powers would they have?

Well, if you are playing as Murphy, you can call Connor in and he'd drop a toilet on your enemy.

If you play as Connor, you can call Murphy in and Murphy would shoot everyone with the big Gatling gun in the supply room in the first movie.

If you're playing as your third person, and both brothers are alive, you could call them in and they'd fall through the ceiling on the fuckin' rope and shoot everyone as they spin. 9 well placed shots, as per Smecker.

If you get to level 5 and want to do a special, and both brothers are still alive, you call in Smecker, who yells "THERE WAS A FIRE FIGHT!!!" and then Il Duce appears on one side of the screen, the Saints on the other and they shoot at each other, catching their opponents in the crossfire.

And of course, if one brother dies, the other immediately gets called in, goes into berserker mode and is unstoppable for 30 seconds.

Wow.

I put WAY too much thought into this.

Kai Kiriyama is enjoying every minute of her insomnia. She's currently considering going to sleep. She lives in Canada and has no real friends. HA HA!

You can find her on twitter at: @thekiriyamaheir
Or email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
Or facebook: http://www.facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama

REVIEW: The Devil's Carnival Sountrack

The Devil's Carnival has released their soundtrack. I was fortunate enough to nab it yesterday before iTunes crashed and had the divine pleasure of listening to it for most of last night while my friends and I did some artwork.

First off, let me begin by explaining how excited I am for this movie...

I'm REALLY FUCKING EXCITED for this movie. I'm so excited that I am building a costume inspired by it. That's more excited than I got for almost any other movie that's been released in the past few years.

A girlfriend of mine introduced me to Repo! The Genetic Opera a few years ago, and it has become a staple for movie nights in my house. Repo! was like nothing we've seen since Rocky Horror. Every time I watch it, I get shades of Buffy The Vampire Slayer's musical episode, but that might just be because of Anthony Stewart Head's role in the film, and the vocals in the song "Zydrate Anatomy".

I found out about The Devil's Carnival on twitter. Actually, to be totally honest, I found out about it through an offhand comment made by Sean Patrick Flanery on twitter that was "retweeted" by someone else. This then led me on a search to see exactly what they were talking about.

My interest was immediately nabbed. A new musical from the guys who did Repo! starring one of the actors from my all-time favorite movie? (Boondock Saints is my all-time favorite movie, for the record, followed closely by Raiders of the Lost Ark and Pulp Fiction.) How could this possibly go wrong?

There is so little information being released as we wait for the movie. It's a very good marketing ploy because in all honesty, I am completely hooked by the concept. I can't wait to see how these sinners will be made to atone for their sins, or if they'll all be damned. The marketing guy who came up with this is a genius. And of course, I follow The Devil's Carnival on twitter. Why wouldn't I?

A few weeks ago, they released a video of one of the songs from the album, "In all My Dreams I Drown." Again, hooked me instantly. I had to share it with everyone. I don't think anyone but my girlfriend who introduced me to Repo! is anywhere near as excited as I am.

So now that I have The Devil's Carnival soundtrack firmly plugged in to my mp3 player, and have learned the lyrics to both "In All my Dreams I Drown" and "Penny for a Tale" (and am working on the lyrics to "Grief") I can write my review. Song. By. Song.

However, with no context of the film to give me the story of each of these songs, I may be a little too harsh in judging them. Forgive me, if I'm wrong on my opinions.

Track 1: Heaven's All Around
The album starts with a song that sounds like it has been ripped right from a classic black and white film. They even seem to have added the scratch record kind of feedback on top of the music. This is a super solid track to start the album off right. From what I understand, Paul Sorvino (who is singing in this track) plays God, literally. I was thrilled to hear this, it was honestly not what I was expecting to start the album with based on what I'd seen in the trailers.

Track 2: Devil's Carnival
Well, it's the title track. The essence of the song is that we're all being welcomed into the carnival and are being given a short tour from the scary as hell (literally) carnies. I like this track because it really gives Alexa Vega a good outlet for her unique vocals. My favorite line is "and daughters, if you got 'em are a lot of fun!" I laughed outright the first time I heard this line, so cheesy and horrible and it plays with your imagination in all the best and worst ways. The song is perfectly fitting for an introduction to the carnival itself and has me on the edge of my seat salivating and anticipating what comes next.

Track 3: In All My Dreams I Drown
This is the song that had me hooked. It was the first thing we heard in its entirety when they released the video. The tune is simplistic, played on a violin by plucking, rather than bowing. There is a faint waves against the shore noise throughout the entire track and the deep mournful sound of the cello accentuates Terrence Zdunich's deep vocals. Combining his deep, soulful voice with the beautiful tones of Jessica Lowndes's voice and the sad lyrics makes this one of the top three songs on the album. I hope there's a story behind this song that leads up to it in the film.

Track 4: 666
To me, this was the most disappointing song on the whole album. This is the song that was played in the previews and was sampled in the 11 minute Painted Doll teaser. But there wasn't much more to it than the hook of "six-hund-red-sixty-six" (yes, that's how it's said) and the suggestion of rules and punishment. Maybe I'm taking this one out of context but until I have something to go on, I'm chalking it up as one of the two weak links in the chain.

Track 5: Kiss the Girls
This is the other one that disappointed me a little bit. Having said that, I really do like the creepy children's rhyme that is the basis of this song. Based on the lyrics, I'm assuming that this is where we are first introduced to the character John. Or maybe I'm totally wrong. Again, without the context of the film I can't make a very good judgement on it. I do love the creepiness and childishness of it, and I love the way it is all played together. An intriguing song, if not the strongest.

Track 6: Beautiful Stranger
I'm not sure where to start with this one. It's Ogre singing with a girl. The concept of the song seems to be a Russian Roulette game of some sort and culminates with the line "don't pussyfoot, shoot!" and a gun going off. The contrast of Ogre's strange accent and the female vocalist - Briana Evigan - sets the mood nicely with the love/hate relationship these two characters seem to have going on. The line "and the knife in my back reminds me of you" is another example of great lyrics and great storytelling.

Track 7: Penny for a Tale 
This is one of the contenders for 'strongest song on the album'. An Aesop's fable wrapped in a song. The vocals of Ivan Moody make this song. I have listened to this song the second most on the entire album thus far, and have learned (most of) the lyrics as of this writing. I am completely smitten with the concept and plan to use this song at every event I physically can where donations are accepted. (Ha ha, we'll see if this actually happens, but wouldn't that be a cool way to open a show?) I was hooked from the very first line, "Let me tell you a tale for a penny" and was completely sold in the middle when the lyrics "Lord, Lord, that greed it'll kill ya. Lord, Lord, go on pass the hat will ya'?" filled my ears. By far one of the strongest tracks on the album and I am in love with Ivan Moody's voice now. I've never heard any of his work before now and this song is enough to make me go look up his band. (Five Finger Death Punch.)

Track 8: Trust Me
Okay, this song makes my flesh crawl every time I listen to it. It is intriguing and scary and creepy all at the same time. With no context my imagination fills in all the horrible things our singer could be doing to the girl he's singing to. From the previews, it looks like she is chained to a bull's eye and he is throwing knives at her while singing. But still. With lyrics that speak of an obsession and a tainted love song, this song is one I skip if only to avoid the creepy sensation it gives me. Still, a very good song, I can't wait to see the context of it.

Track 9: Prick! Goes the Scorpion's Tail
Another Aesop's fable. Yay! While I have never heard any of Emilie Autumn's work before now, I have to admit that it was a new experience. Her vocals are stunning - and I am not usually one to listen to a lot of female vocalists. The ways he sings the lyrics make them sound raw and lustful and dirty and sexy. The opening of the song is to die for (pun not intended) and the context has so much potential.

Track 10: Grief
This review is probably going to be the longest of the 12. Why? Because this is the song I had waited patiently for. I didn't skip ahead, I wanted the full experience of the album. I will admit that I am a fan of Sean Patrick Flanery. Have been for years. The only reason I knew about this film was because of him. (As I mentioned at the beginning of this article.) And I don't mind admitting that. I had to listen to this song several times before I could make a decision on it. I had, at first, a bit of trouble setting my fan girl aside to actually listen to the song. Mr. Flanery, if you ever read this, yes, I am a huge fan, always will be and I want you, Mr. Flanery, and everyone else to know that this song blew my mind. It was not what I was expecting. At all. For me, hearing Sean Patrick Flanery sing - and his voice being absolutely NOTHING like I'd expected - was jarring at first. And yes, Sean Patrick Flanery can sing. The best way to describe it is like when Anthony Steward Head sings in Repo! as Nathan, and then drastically changes his voice to be the RepoMan and stuns you. That is the exact reaction I had to this song the first time I listened to it. The lyrics make it sound like the character, John, is slipping into madness (please, let that assumption be correct) and is contemplating suicide. The lyrics are heartbreaking and mournful and I honestly wanted to cry when I actually listened to the lyrics. And then, they go on to suggest that John is supremely bad. I am trying very hard not to gush over this song, because in my opinion it is not one of the strongest songs on the album (though it's much stronger than Devil's Carnival, 666 and Kiss the Girls) and I don't want to sound like a fan girl, but the delivery of this song, and the lyrics and the creepy laugh Sean does in the middle of the song - it all comes together to create this amazing thing. I was cooking at the time when I heard this song the first time, didn't know which song it was, and in all honesty, my knees buckled at the end of this song and left me wanting more. Then I found out which song it was, had a fan girl moment and did a double-take. Lyrically, the story is amazing in this song and I want to see how it plays out the most of all.

Track 11: Grace for Sale
Okay, this might be the strongest song on the album. (It's still a hard call between this one, In All my Dreams I Drown, and Penny for a Tale.) Terrance Zdunich's vocals are amazing. I have always loved Grave Robber and "Zydrate Anatomy" in Repo! and to see him again, and hear him again singing these songs are just perfection. His deep, smooth, melodic voice is the perfect match to the lyrics. This song is my girlfriend's favorite, she'd waited the longest for this song and it did not disappoint her. And if we're being honest, it didn't disappoint me either. This song indicates a great amount of research done into Christian theology (I am loathe to use the word 'mythology' here.) The idea that there is a chance of salvation and redemption within the lyrics makes me giddy. The theology behind it, the references to Lucifer's fall, and his silver tongue all blend together and just deliver exactly what we were hoping for. The piano accompaniment is a strong feature to this song, too. "Tongues, tongues, slither into Psalms, that's how a carnival grows, my son" is one of the best lines. Very catchy, very poetic.

Track 12: Off to Hell we Go
I didn't even notice that this was it's own track. It just blended perfectly with Grace for Sale, I had to go back and listen to it on it's own. There's isn't much to say about this one. It's the last track on the album and it suggests that we all end up trotting merrily along to our eternal damnation and no one is saved in the end. Kind of disappointing when you look at it that way. But not disappointing enough to deter me from seeing this film when it becomes available.

Overall:
What a solid album! I don't think that I have ever heard an album from any other artist in recent memory that is so well put-together, and that carries such a dynamic and unique theme throughout. Every song is unique but carries the theme of the album with it. With a great balance of dark and light and creepy, I can't recommend this album enough. Even without the context of the movie, I am intrigued and will be listening to this album over and over.

I give it 4 out of 5 only because I have no idea about the back story and context of a few of the songs.

Cheers.

Kai Kiriyama is an aspiring novelist and screenwriter. She can sing but can't write her own music to save her life. She's also REALLY opinionated. Kai hates the term 'fan girl' and gets offended when anyone else uses it to describe her. She lives in Canada with her laptop and pet snake.

You can find Kai on twitter, her username is @thekiriyamaheir
If you want to talk to her with more than 140 characters and commenting on her blog isn't your thing, you can email her at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
And, if all else fails, you can Facebook her at www.facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama

Dear Murphy: Several things We May or May Not Need a Stupid Fuckin' Rope For

Dear Murphy,

You still seem rather skeptical about Connor's insistence on bringing rope to every job, to every event, and to every place you go that isn't in and out.

You seem to be convinced that rope is a non-essential item in our day to day lives.

Now, I'm just a writer, what do I know about the ins-and-outs of your specific job? But I think that there are a few things you are overlooking in your dear brother's insistence of having what you refer to as "stupid fuckin' rope."

Let us first consider that there are many different kinds of rope. There are different materials and textures, gauges and thicknesses. Hell, you could consider twine a kind of rope, or yarn for that matter, depending on how you want to define it.

But for your consideration, we shall just stick with the thick, black nylon kind of rope that you always seem to end up lugging around.

You should first and foremost consider yourself lucky that you're not a pirate. You'd have to spend all day lugging rope around. And half the damn ship is made of rope, you know. All the rigging is rope, all the ropes in the sails. And you always need extra rope to tie down loose cannons - and people - in violent storms. You'd swing across the ropes to board another ship, just like in the movies. And when the ship crashes and sinks and you are stranded and your clothes have become to big because you've lost so much weight and are starving, that rope will be your belt.

Or you could hang yourself. Or the mutineers who crashed your ship in the first place.

I think thirty pounds of rope is getting off lightly when you consider that you could be a pirate.

I grew up on a farm, Murphy. Trust me when I say that a good piece of rope can come in so handy for things like tying equipment and tarps down on the back of my truck. Or for making a makeshift halter to lead my horse. Or worst case scenario, a quick fix for lashing together the fence posts while we bring the materials to fix them properly. The same idea goes for working construction. Again, we see tarps and tools and heavy things that need to be lifted - what else are you going to use on the pulley?

You could also be a rock climber. They rely on rope to make sure that they don't fall to their untimely and ultimately gross demise.

Or you could be a mercenary. (Or is that what you think of yourself as, already?) You could use your rope to set traps. Again, with these things that we see in the movies! But you're considering it now, aren't you? A rope trap, or a string of rope with tin cans attached to warn you when someone is coming. You can stop the ambush that way. (Watch out for the zombies.)

You've done some insane things (shall we refrain from mentioning Copley Plaza?) and have been very lucky to have rope on hand. That in itself should be enough of an argument in favor of having rope.

But I know you. It never is.

So what else can you use this rope for?

For starters, I will suggest that you could use it as a whip. Because it's honestly the first thing you do when you have a piece of rope. Not you, specifically, dear Murphy, but the general 'you' in reference to anyone who may or may not be reading this. Admit it, you've done it.

And now you have a piece of rope for which you have no use. You've whipped it around like Indiana Jones and you're bored holding your piece of rope.

Save your rope, dear Murphy, you do need to keep yourself in top physical condition. Use it as a jump rope, you have it anyway. And I know that the thick black nylon rope you have is an excellent weight. You can also use it for resistance training. Those pitiful elastics the gyms overcharge you for ain't got nothing on a good piece of rope. And you could always try climbing the rope to build your upper body strength. But you won't, 'cause that was the worst part of grade school gym class.

And you're giving me that look that says I'm insane.

We could always use our imagination a little more, couldn't we? Do you truly want me to go into kinky details about what you could do with that rope?

...too bad. I'm not going to. But your mind went there too. So maybe reconsider your rope.

Besides, Murphy, you never know when you'll have to save a damsel from her tower. Not everyone can grow hair long and thick enough to hoist you into a tower. You'll be thankful you have your rope then.

I think I have made my point quite clear, dear Murphy.

So quit arguing about what you're going to need the stupid fuckin' rope for.

You could be a pirate.

Sincerely,
Kai.