On Ego

I've noticed that a lot of writers (myself included) have a somewhat inflated sense of self. Whether it's ego, or something else, I'm not sure, but I find that so many of my writer friends have this mentality.

I know PLENTY of other writers who think the same way, they're all cocky, self-assured creatures who have the mindset that they are awesome and deserve ALL the accolades and the worship and paycheck that goes with being an internationally best-selling author.

Whether this is true or not in the public eye remains to be seen.

But the mindset is abundantly clear.

I'm a cocky, self-assured little wench. I think I'm awesome. I think that I have a distinct, unique style in my writing and that my works deserve to be shared (you know, when I get around to polishing everything and editing and all that other stuff.) I know that I use the cockiness as a defense mechanism. I work myself up to the point that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am [insert positive adjective here] and that good things will come to me for whatever reason I choose to maintain the egoism. For me, it makes rejection a thousand times easier. It means that I can get over the disappointment a lot faster and work on improving what needs improving so that I can try again.

Having said that, I'm perfectly willing to have an open discussion about what [needs improvement, what (you) liked, hated, feelings the words evoked etc. etc. etc.] and take criticism, constructive or not.

I am also all about building my fellow writers up and sharing in their successes (and alternately, being there to grieve with them in their failures).

Writing is a lonely, lonely job. You lock yourself away to be in the throes of your imagination for hours on end. Alone. Because working alone is when you get the best work done. You only get social interaction when you're in the editing/critique/beta reading phase, and usually that's all business. Then it's back to revising. Rinse and repeat.

So why, then, is it SO COMMON with other writers to be self-righteous dicks? I'm not saying that I am immune to this, I'm only human, but I do try my hardest not to fall into that trap of ego and self-righteousness. I'm also certainly not saying that EVERY author is like this either. As with any group, there are some bad apples that you would much rather avoid.

Still, I see it all the time. I see blogs that are entirely self-serving (which you know, 99% of blogs are) or I see online discussions where the writers are condescending towards one another, and everyone else involved. I feel like the vast majority of writers are convinced that they are the next Hemingway or something and that everyone else is sufficiently beneath them. It's a very sad state of affairs. Most of these "authors" aren't even published and still they treat everyone else with an air of disdain and sarcasm. The worst is when I see other people/authors talk down to others. The biggest rule is that your audience is not stupid, you shouldn't treat them as such.

Your ego shouldn't be getting in the way of your relationships with other people. Especially with other authors. You never know when that smug and cocky tone of condescension is going to accidentally burn a bridge that would have otherwise helped you.

I mean really, we're all in this together, right? So why not support each other along? Rejoice in one person's success and offer sympathy in times of failure, but don't be smug and self-satisfied about it. And certainly don't be condescending. We can all get along in the literary sandbox. Right?

Kai Kiriyama lives in Calgary, Alberta with her pet snake Rhaegar and too many books to fit in one room. 

She is a monthly contributor to Zombie Training Magazine, which you can find here if you're so inclined.

You may reach Kai through email here! 
Or you can find her on Facebook if you're into social media.
Kai is also on Tumblr here! 
And of course you can follow on Twitter

Oh God WTF did I just read?

Okay, so I love to carouse fan fiction. I love it. It's hilarious, disgusting, thought provoking, emotionally draining, and a lot of the times is a serious ego boost for me.

And once in a while, you find some absolute gems.

Hell, a couple of very good friends of mine were met and made through fan fiction.

But I've also had my (un)fair share of reading REALLY REALLY GODAWFULLY BAD fan fics.

I have a few triggers, and lately I have unintentionally found all the stories that make me want to bleach my brain and gouge out my eyes. I have the worst luck ever.

But thinking about it, I have to stop and laugh. It's just so insane.

I was also talking to my sister about this, about the horrible, scary fan fics out there, and how we KNOW most of the actors who portray these characters are aware that these stories exist. So my sister asked me a very interesting question.

"What would your reaction be, Kai, if you found out there were stories written about you like this?"

First off, I'd be flattered. Even if it wasn't ME per se, but just my CHARACTERS? Oh hell yes, GO FOR IT. I think that means I've reached a certain level of notoriety right? If my characters are busily humping each other in someone else's mind? Cool. I'm cool with that.

If you're writing about me specifically? (And don't deny it, it exists.) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You really couldn't think of someone better to fantasize about?

Okay, well, let's pretend that someone out there is writing fan fics about me. Based on what I've read, my reaction would be three-fold after I get over the initial flattery, shock and embarrassment.

First, wow. What most of these bad fics are suggesting is highly unlikely to be possible. I'm afraid of heights, even standing on a chair to change a lightbulb or get something off a high shelf SUCKS. And I'm honestly not THAT flexible. I get it, it's fantasy, but you gotta work with realism. (I'm not gonna let myself be tied in a knot and put on a shelf for a harem of sex-crazy demons to do what they please with. Or whatever the hell that was that was happening in that fan fic.)

I AM NOT THAT FLEXIBLE. I don't think anyone is. Try to remember that, okay, erotica writers?

Two, just 'cause YOU think it's sexy, doesn't mean we all do. Gotta remember those triggers, man. If you wanna know what my big ones that hit the "NOPE" switch are, just ask. I'm really not that pervy, I just pretend like I am because this is the internet and girls aren't welcome here.

And finally...

Dudes, seriously? You're writing bondage? And you have to stop the 'action' to get something to tie your characters up with? Holy SHIT. I wear a paracord bracelet 99.9% of the time, and if I'm not WEARING it, it's somewhere close at hand BECAUSE I CAN NEVER BE WITHOUT MY STUPID FUCKING ROPE.

Good Lord, I guess it all really does boil down to realism, doesn't it?

Well, now, I guess I should go back and finish reading these bad fan fics. I don't plan on sleeping any time soon...

Kai Kiriyama lives in the frozen north known as Canada with her pet snake, Rhaegar.

Yes, she actually does have a paracord bracelet. The current one is purple.

If you wanna know what makes her tick, feel free to contact her at any of the following locations:

email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
facebook: facebook.com/authorkkaikiriyama
tumblr: thekiriyamaheir.tumblr.com

Wibbly-Wobbly, Timey-Wimey, ball of Editing... Stuff

Remember how I said I HATE EDITING? Like... a lot?

Well, I've found myself faced with a deadline for a submission, so I'm finally getting off my lazy-creative, busy-as-all-get-out butt, and am working on editing a novel I wrote just under a year ago.

Now, I love this novel. A lot. I love the content, I love the plot, I love the concept, everything. It's new, it's exciting, it's a genre blend and I don't have to worry about political correctness, or with censoring myself, and there's no way that it could be misconstrued as a YA novel. (Which is a joke and is better left off unexplained until another blog post because I don't feel like going on a tangent about THAT can of worms right now.) And I've been sitting on this particular gem for almost a year, so I'm pretty detached from the world I so frantically built. (Normally, I like to edit immediately, but that was out of the question for this one, which is, again, another story for another time.)

Anyway, the first draft -- because that's what it currently is -- ended up at about 77,000 words. I was honestly impressed with that number, and wondered how many of those words would need to be cut when I edited. (So far, I haven't cut any, but there's probably around 20,000 that need to be completely rewritten.) Then I found out that the submission guidelines are looking for 80-90,000 words but would consider works with less than that.

Ouch.

Okay, so 3000 words to make it to the minimum number isn't a lot, in fact, it's a number that I'm strangely comfortable with.

But if you know me, you know that I'm a bit of an over-achiever.

I decided to aim to add about 15,000 more words to the manuscript because, why not? My only question was "where do I put all those new words?"

So naturally, I fretted about it, and fretted about it, and sent myself into a mini panic attack and then figured out where to put all those extra words in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.

I decided that I would take my book's plot and split it into three sections, plus a prologue and an epilogue. (Because I love prologues. It's like a film teaser that warms up your audience and gets them excited before you bore them to death with back story and exposition. Ha ha! I'm an evil tease.)

Well, now you can see my problem: my plot. There's no real holes in my plot, but there are a few half-formed ideas that could be fleshed out and made more whole, more tangible, as it were. There's at least two characters who can be given a little more depth and dimension, and a few plot points that could be expanded upon. And, while we're at it, might as well give this world a bit of history, too.

Now it's looking like those 20,000 words that I was contemplating cutting get to stay with minor adjustments, because, why not? The ideas are there, and adding the extra words and splitting the story into three separate pieces means that each section has its own identity. It means that I can treat each section like a mini novel with a beginning, middle and end that leads into the next mini novel and so on.

It also means that I have to tear the manuscript apart and mess with its timeline.

It's one of my favorite things about being a writer, though. You get to pull apart your own timeline. You get to make it all wibbly-wobbly as you move pieces around to make a linear, coherent story. And, of course, there are fixed points in your story that you can't mess around with or else it creates a paradox!

My problem with this is that it is SO time consuming, and the copy and paste process of moving time around is kind of boring.

So basically, I put on a scarf and pretend I'm a TimeLord. I've gotta get back to this editing thing, before the world implodes.

Allons-y!

Kai Kiriyama lives in the frozen North, also known as Canada, with her pet snake Rhaegar. She is a novelist and a screenwriter (working towards publication) and is a regular contributor to Zombie Training Magazine. (www.zombietraining.com)

You can get in touch with Kai at any of the following locations:

Email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
Facebook: www.facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama
Zombie Training: www.zombietraining.com

Singularity

So it might come as a shock to you, especially if you don't know me personally, that I have just undergone a breakup. I was with my now-former partner for 4 and a half years. That's a long time and a lot of experiences to throw away, in my opinion. But I think that it was for the best. In retrospect, having taken that step back, I can now say that the relationship had grown unhealthy and that if there was any hope of fixing the problems that preceded the break-up, it would only come from taking the necessary steps of backing up and looking at things from an outside perspective.

It sucks, going through a break up. There's no two ways about that. Sometimes, I wonder if it's harder for women than men, considering that I'm a girl and I swear to you, I felt like I was gonna die for a while there. Or at least shrivel up like a fish out of water from dehydration because of all the tears. (Okay, so that part is a lie, I don't actually cry. I save my tears for entertainment. I cried like a little bitch when Dale died in The Walking Dead, and the season opener of Doctor Who made me cry, too.)  I tend to let my emotions get the better of me and yes, I did consider apologizing and taking him back and trying again. But I let those emotions go, and tried very hard to look at things from a rational, logical point of view.

It's been 3 weeks as of this writing since we split and I admit that I still wake up sometimes wondering when he's gonna get home, or curled up with my arm around my pillow only to wake up and realize that yes, it is indeed a pillow that I've been spooning (and occasionally, drooling on.) I'm still a little bummed out over the whole thing, though the initial depression and doubts that I suffered have lessened significantly.

On the other hand, I have noticed a lot of things that have changed in my life since the break up. I've gotten a HELL of a lot more productive. I have filled my days with things that hadn't been happening in the last few months of the relationship. I'm writing every day again. Lots, actually. I've picked up crocheting and sewing again. I'm prepping for a new business venture and am creating amazing products for my current business venture. I'm editing my writing (and we all know how much I hate that!) I'm back writing scripts and am working on several specs that I fully intent to query out within the next few months. I have secret projects happening. I've lost weight, and inches, off of my body. I feel less stressed out about everything. I'm still not sleeping most nights, but hey, you win some, you lose some.

I have moved beyond the point of feeling like I need to fulfill the expectations of someone else. If I feel like staying up all night writing in bed, with the lights on, listening to my Devil's Carnival soundtrack on repeat without headphones (or doing the same things but instead of writing, crocheting because it's more mindless than trying to make proper words at 5 in the morning on no sleep) I can. If I feel like staying in my pajamas all day and eating nothing but microwave popcorn I can. Granted, I tended to stay in my pajamas all day if I wasn't doing anything anyway, but now I feel like there are no expectations. I don't have to have dinner at 5 p.m. every day. I don't have to go to bed at a normal hour. (Not like I do, can we get a hello for the incorrigible insomnia?) I don't have to share my video games or my computer and I certainly don't need to allot time to spend with the significant other. I have a Thor poster on my wall that I picked out myself, I have my favorite art pieces hanging on my bedroom walls. I don't have to ask opinions or permission to put something else up, or to take something down. I dyed my hair pink and purple. (Although, I used to do that anyway, but had to stop due to work not liking it.)

I feel like I have gained back of the old spark that I had lost as my relationship had deteriorated beyond the point of repair. This makes it sound like my ex was to blame for all the unhappiness in my life. That's not true. Situations arose where there was nothing either of us could do to make things happy, but that is neither here nor there. The relationship had just run its course. I'm just glad that we hadn't tied the knot when we were planning to because the break up wouldn't have just been as simple as it (kind of) was. I just feel like there is now a sense of self that has returned to me since breaking up with my partner. I feel like all the problems we had during our relationship had kind of put a stopper on my whimsy.

I know that a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, is about compromise. You have to share your life, and share your living space with this other person. You share your body, your soul, your home, your life... it's a lot of compromise. And that's the way it should be. I felt like there was no compromise, there were just changes that weren't always for the better.

Do I regret the relationship? No. Have I grown as a person for it? Yes, I think so. Do I know more clearly what I want in a partner now? Oh hell yes.

And that's a good thing.

I do admit, though, that I have a Queen size bed and I've grown accustomed to curling up against the wall, so there's more than half the bed just going to waste. I'm more than willing to let someone into my life to fill that other side of the bed. I'm just warning you though, I tend to hog the blankets, so for that, you're on your own.

Kai Kiriyama is a weirdo. She's still working towards publication of her novels and her scripts, but she is a current contributor to Zombie Training Magazine, which you can find at www.zombietraining.com.

Kai lives in the Frozen North with her pet snake, Rhaegar.

You can find her on Twitter at: @thekiriyamaheir
You can email her at: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
You can catch her on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama
And she has a tumblr at: thekiriyamaheir.tumblr.com

Why I hate Children

WARNING: This is a rant. I am pretty mad right now. I am planning to cuss in this one. You've been warned.

All right, so it's not really children that I hate. I can deal with them in small amounts, and usually the children I (am forced to) socialize with are relatively well-behaved.

It's the PARENTS who I wish to destroy in all forms of violent and gratuitous manners.

I went to see Brave tonight with my sister. (She is my youngest sister and is 15.) What a great movie! It would have been more than great but we decided to go on a Tuesday night. At 7:15. AND THE THEATRE WAS FILLED WITH CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 5.

Who the ever-lovin' fuck takes their toddlers out to a movie at 7 on a Tuesday night?

Obviously every douchebaggy parent in the city.

I was perfectly willing to accept the fact that there were children in the theatre. I wasn't sure what to expect from another Disney-Pixar movie (except that it was guaranteed that I would cry at least once during the movie.) I certainly didn't expect there to be as many families with young children there as there were! A family with two very young children (I'm guessing that they were both under 4 years old and the younger of the two was 18 months) sat in front of us.

I didn't swear about that fact, the baby was really adorable.

Until about 30 minutes into the movie when this kid wouldn't stop fussing and crying.

Now, this is a 2-parent family. Mom and Dad were both sitting there, with both kids and one of them was screaming and crying. Well, Mom was an obese woman and she didn't do a damn thing. She didn't get off her fat ass and take care of this crying kid. No, instead, she loudly told her (husband?) to take the kid out of the theatre after he had been crying for TEN FUCKING MINUTES.

Ten minutes?? Really? You couldn't get off your ass to take your screaming kid out of the theatre so that you didn't disturb anyone else? And then you make your male-thing take the screaming child outside? You lazy bitch.

Here's the kicker to this story: THE DAD COMES BACK ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER AND SAYS THAT HE CAN'T CALM THE KID DOWN!!

So now we're treated to the Dad loudly insisting that the kid won't calm down, the kid is STILL FUCKING CRYING and I can't hear the whispers of the Scottish characters on the screen because of the bullshit caterwauling this damn kid is making.

I don't go out a lot. I don't have a huge budget for going out and I usually spend what little extra money I have on books or sometimes on meals out with friends or on beer. When I DO get to go out, it's a huge deal and a real treat for me. So to have the first movie that I've seen in theatres since Toy Story 3 (we saw the Avengers in theares, but that was a birthday party, so I don't really count it as a movie night because we budgeted for my birthday party to be a movie and dinner) ruined by a screaming child does not sit well with me.

I was about to say something but the kid finally shut up, so I was relieved of that duty, thankfully.

But this same lazy bitch is such a terrible parent that when we were getting up to leave the theatre (well, when THEY were) she just stood there and yelled at her children until they listened to her. She didn't try to be polite, she didn't try to be a good parent. Hell, she wasn't even responsible. She just stood there yelling at her hyper, screaming toddlers as other people were trying to leave.

Fuck it, not my problem.

When the credits finished (because almost every movie has a little scene of awesome after the credits nowadays, and Brave was no exception) we got up and all had to go to the bathroom. So my sister and I head into the ladies room.

Lo and behold, there is a Cineplex staff member using the washroom. She obviously wasn't on a break as she was trying her damnedest to hustle out of the bathroom after washing her hands but no. Some dumb blonde bitch of a mother (wearing booty shorts and toting two children, again probably both under the age of 4) starts harassing this poor girl!

"Don't you clean these bathrooms? You should talk to your manager! These counters are all wet and small children get soaked when we have to wash their hands! I'm going to speak to your manager about this! Why can't you people wipe this up?"

Fuck's sake, you stupid blonde bimbo! Why don't YOU wipe the fucking water up if it's such a problem? Or, you know, if you were a better parent you would hold your kid up to the sink in a manner that wouldn't get them wet in the first place.

Most public washrooms that don't have doors (like at most malls here, and almost all the theatres) don't have paper towels anymore. Waste reduction and blah blah blah. So how the fuck do you expect anyone to wipe the counters every five fucking minutes?

And this poor girl was just trying to pee and wash her hands so that she could get back to work. There's no need for you to hassle her! Fuck.

I don't understand why these young mothers think that they are so entitled to whatever the fuck they want. Oh good for you, you had unprotected sex and now you have reproduced. Fuck you. Do you want a fucking cookie? ANYONE can have a goddamn child. It's not that difficult to procreate. Why the fuck are you so self-entitled? Why are you such a goddamn prick?

And why the fuck are you so inconsiderate towards everyone else around you?

Y'know what? Fuck it. I don't want to know.

What I WANT is for all of these self-entitled bitches to fuck right off and crawl back into whatever fucking suburb they crawled out of because frankly? I don't give a shit about you. I don't give a shit about your children. You're the inconsiderate bitch who is ruining my movie-date. You're the self-entitled prick who blames everything on everyone else.

You're not a special goddamn snowflake just 'cause you squeezed out another living being from between your flabby, self-righteous thighs. You haven't birthed the next King Arthur.

You're just another sad sack of a human being, a waste of skin filled with hot air and bullshit and honestly, you don't deserve to have these kids in public.

So kindly crawl back into your rich, white-privilege, suburb-friendly, penis envying, gas guzzling car and let me at least have my one night out to myself without wanting to set the zombie apocalypse loose on the cinema and then rampage and kill you first.

Shit, there's definitely a reason why I prefer books over movies.

Kai Kiriyama is a self-righteous bitch in her own right. While she doesn't have kids of her own, she's  taken her  younger siblings out to movies when they were kids and not a blessed one of them was misbehaved.

Also, she regrets nothing.

Email her at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com if you wanna complain.
And follow her on Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir

She welcomes the backlash.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

Before I begin, I'm gonna warn you that my language may not be the most civil right now. I'm very angry, need to rant and I don't give a good goddamn about cussing being the "crutch of the inarticulate." Sometimes, cuss words are just what you need to utter to express yourself because "sugar" and "darn" don't work.

Also, free speech. Deal with it. On to my rant.

I have ranted about the childish nature of the Internet before. And I can't seem to get out of this habit of bringing it back to the forefront of my mind.

But a friend of mine is having an issue with childishness and stupidity through interactions on the Internet.

Basically, she writes a blog about her job, which is unconventional in the sense that she is a PSO. She's a lovely woman, I admire her very much and I think she is brilliant. She also puts my blog writing to shame because she edits hers and makes her thoughts far more coherently than I do.

Anyway, she got an unsolicited critique and generally had a negative interaction with someone on the Internet. She blogged about it and for you to understand why I'm ranting, you need to go read her story in her own words. 

This is the blog post.

Go read it or else you won't understand why this has pissed me off so much.

All right, so I love Twitter. I love the Blog-with-ADD aspect of it -- I only get 140 characters at a time to rant with, so I have to be more concise, or write 10 Tweets to get the point across. Ha ha! I love the community it (can) build(s). I love that I can interact with people all over the world in "real time". I love the public aspect of it. It's great.

I ESPECIALLY love the fact that it is used 99% for shameless self promotion.

Why do I love that part the most? Because I can shamelessly promote myself. I got a job writing for Zombie Training Magazine because I used Twitter, first to promote myself, secondly to find people with my interests, third because SOMEONE ELSE MENTIONED IT and I began to follow the magazine. You probably found your way here because of one of three reasons: you know me in real-life, or through one of the various Internet forums that I frequent, because you found me/saw me on Twitter or Facebook either on your own or through a mutual acquaintance, or because of the reply I posted on the aforementioned blog.

If you're here because of that third reason, hello. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. I hope you're reading this and actually paying attention because I don't like repeating myself.

As you can see if you've read the blog I've posted (with permission from the author, thank you) there is a sudden interest in the contents of said blog. And the comments beneath attempt to devalue one person's feelings, demonize one, if not both of the parties, and generally cause an ubiquitous amount of arguing over who is right.

And this is what pisses me off.

The comments begin as civilized conversation but quickly devolve into shit-slinging and childish name-calling. Some (if not most) of the parties are actively trying to devalue the blog writer's feelings and perceptions by claiming that the context was lost in a TEXT ONLY comment. Then they go on to say that the same TEXT ONLY conversation was a misunderstanding and that this whole thing was an overreaction.

I'm not sorry. You're a goddamn idiot.

Meanings behind words in a conversation without the subtleties of facial expression, body language and tone of voice is very difficult to comprehend a lot of the time. Especially through text, email or forum posts. And that is doubly true on Twitter. (With only 140 characters I'm surprised that I haven't offended more people constantly!) Living as a normal person and being attuned to those subtle clues, and knowing how to read them in person, is what makes having a conversation an art form. When you lose all of those things, you are left with only the words, and only words can be manipulated, misconstrued and misunderstood, depending on the PERCEPTION of the person reading them. Not to mention the context of the words, and other outside influences.

For example. If I was to say 'fuck' right now (kind of like I just did) how would you take it? I was just writing a word. You don't know if I'm exhausted, angry, sad, exasperated... I could have just hurt myself and cussed to alleviate my own pain. I could have been "multitasking" and just got some bad news. I could be outright trying to insult you with my vulgarity.  Or I could just really like to say that word.

The point is that you don't know what my mood and meaning is behind the TEXT you just read and without my own personal subtle clues in my voice and body language etc. you are left with your own PERCEPTIONS. And that's okay.

If you choose to leave a comment and say "Kai, you really offended me when you said f*ck just there. I think it's vulgar and you should choose a different word to express yourself in the future." I'll accept that. But my initial response is usually "fuck off" followed by, "I wasn't TRYING to offend you. I just like saying fuck when I'm trying to get a point across. It's as good a word as any."

If you are offended by it then that is what you are PERCEIVING. There's no reason for me to vilify that. There's no need for me to demonize you for being offended. And there is certainly no reason to go on a rampage in the comments section. I wasn't attacking you and I wasn't directing my cussing at you. It's a word. It's my way of expressing my thoughts. It's also very easy to take out of context. Cuss words are ESPECIALLY easy to take out of context in our society where cussing is as much a part of everyday life (to some people) as breathing is.

Interactions online can't become a he said/she said situation. When it does, and when it devolves into a general witch hunt because of words that may or may not have been misinterpreted, we have a problem as a society.

Furthermore, unsolicited critiques and vague, dismissive statements like "not my cup of tea", are NEVER welcome. As a writer, I want to know what you think, that's why there's a comments section. But I don't need a breakdown of every sentence. I don't want your critiques if you're just reading in passing. I want thought-provoking conversation unless otherwise stated.

And really, If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I'd rather live with the anonymity of who is reading my blog than have to deal with your PERCEPTIONS, even if they are mislaid.

 

Degrees, Diplomas, and Daydreaming

I got into an argument with a friend of mine recently.

Not so much of a surprise there, I argue with everyone. And I mean everyone. If you say something I think is dumb or incorrect, I'll argue with you. If  you say something that I know is incorrect, I'll fight you harder. I'm a Gemini, and a Tiger in the Eastern Zodiac. It's just the way I am.

But I digress.

I got into an argument about whether having a degree in writing - whether for film or television or just literature in general - is an absolute necessity for making it in the writing world.

They think it is crucial that you go out and spend $30,000 or more and 4+ years on a piece of paper that says you are capable of writing fiction to a specific format.

I laughed at them.

Then I showed them my bookshelf. I have books from the same sort of classes, plus scripts for television and stage and film, as well as workbooks for literature. My collection is more succinct and to the point than the books this friend has for school.

I spent under $250 to acquire all of these things. I've read most of them at least twice. And I reference them when I'm looking for specific answers to things I'm unsure about.

Neither of us are published, so if that was your next question, no. At this point, I don't think either of us are closer than the other, so it's not like that's a factor either.

Am I a better writer? I think so. Why? Because I haven't had professors breathing down my neck for 4 years telling me how to write. I have found my own 'voice' in literature, and have picked up the format for screenwriting again after 10 years of neglect. I'm comfortable with how I write and I am comfortable with my stories. I know that this person in question can't say the same thing.

What I will concede to, however, is the hands-on. Personally, I wouldn't know the ass end of a camera from a chocolate bar, or some other sort of simile of equal ridiculousness. Well, okay, I know where to look into a camera, but I wouldn't be able to operate it with any level of proficiency. And that's okay. I can learn.

I think it's sad that we have put a price tag on the arts. at least on the things like writing that anyone should be able to do with a relative knowledge of story structure and grammar. Oscar Wilde didn't have a degree. Neither did Shakespeare.

I guess time will tell us who gets published first.

Cocky bitch. I'm gonna win that race.

Kai Kiriyama should know better than to write blogs under the influence of alcohol. She is currently having a mental breakdown and drinking beer. It's pretty amusing to watch.

As always, follow her on twitter @thekiriyamaheir
Or to argue with her through email, you can reach her at: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com 

It's the Principle of the Thing...

Like most people, I have a very core set of beliefs that define who I am. These beliefs define my faith (or faiths, as it were) and direct my moral compass. I like to think that everyone has these beliefs, though they are not all 100% identical to mine. And I will be the first to admit that once in a while, my moral compass behaves very much like the magical compass that Jack Sparrow has in Pirates of the Caribbean. Those are moments that I am not very proud of, however, it happens. There's nothing that I can do about it,  really, except maybe apologize when it's needed.

Now, these core beliefs, without getting into religious debate, are fairly basic. I don't advocate violence towards children. I don't advocate violence towards anyone. I believe in self-reliance. I don't advocate violence towards animals. I believe that everyone is created equally regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or anything else that you could possibly discriminate against someone with. I believe that everyone deserves the basic necessities for life. I believe that everyone has basic human rights that should be observed at all times.

Pretty basic things.

But I notice that a lot of people don't seem to have these same moral compass points. I am reminded today of this by the "outrage" over a specific character in the movie adaptation of "The Hunger Games" who was cast as a black child actor. Apparently, people were angry because they all envisioned this person as "angelic" which apparently translates to "blonde hair, white skin, blue eyes" or something similar. In the book (I have not read it, but I read the excerpt) this character was described as having "dark skin" or something similar to that description.

To me, that denotes darker than Aboriginal or Middle Eastern. Typically of African heritage.

I am aghast and disgusted by this outrage. When did it matter? When did our society get so bigoted? Are we going to regress back to segregation? Are we gonna start discriminating against the Irish next?

I'll admit that I have written characters with shaky morals. I have written some hurtful things IN CHARACTER. I have created, in my mind, horrible situations for people to be put in. I have written many of these things and have hoped to get certain bits of this work published.

But I wrote it in a work of fiction.

Does that make it okay? No.

Am I ashamed about it? No.

Do I believe any of what I wrote? HELL no.

I feel that we have to face our darkness if we ever expect to reach enlightenment. I have difficulty reading certain things. And I have more trouble writing them. Extreme violence is one. Racism is another. But I have pushed myself in order to grow as a writer. I still don't advocate it, but strife and conflict is what makes stories interesting.

Maybe, we ought to look at what really makes us tick and consider our beliefs a little more before we begin to pass judgement on others for being different.

Criticism, Television, Walkers, and Superviewers

I learned a new word today. "Superviewers". I don't know how I feel about this word.

I was reading an article online from the New York Times that Glen Mazzara (Show runner for The Walking Dead) tweeted earlier in regards to the season finale of The Killing. In it, the writer referred to a certain faction of viewers as "superviewers".

I think the easiest way to sum up the phrase is by describing these so-called superviewers as "fans [of whichever show, movie, media etc.] who use social media as a megaphone and/or mouthpiece to express their extreme emotions towards said media."

And this can be done for positive or negative.

I think it was a very good move for Mr. Mazzara to point this out because, in reality, the majority of the fans of The Walking Dead are extremely intelligent. At least, I like to think so, being one of those fans myself. I assume that there will be a lot more fans of The Walking Dead actually taking the moment to read the article. Whether the same fans take anything away from the article is a different story.

But I did, and that's the point.

I don't really comprehend the concept behind what makes a "superviewer." I use my social networking sites, Facebook, Twitter, etc. to connect with other fans and friends who are also fans. (Most of my real-life friends aren't Walking Dead fans, so I take what I can get. And that is not to downplay the awesomeness that is my internet friends. You guys fuckin' RULE.) I have had some really great, intelligent conversations with people online, especially on Twitter, regarding The Walking Dead. However, I've never expressed disappointment or any negative criticism towards the show. I admitted to crying and feeling very upset over the show, but I would, if I was involved with TWD,  take that as more of a compliment than anything else. I don't understand when people get up on a soapbox and complain about the "pace" of the episodes (or season) or "the lack of zombie mayhem." The writers and producers have a very clear vision of what they want this show to be and I feel that they have done an excellent job of showing us, as viewers, that vision.

I don't personally watch The Walking Dead to get a fix of zombie mayhem. I watch the show because it goes deeper into the psychological aspect of what would happen to the survivors of the zombie apocalypse. I like the fact that it is full of angst and drama. In fact, seeing these characters break down emotionally and try to recover while there are other people's lives depending on them is what makes the show seem more realistic and far more entertaining to me than if it was the same "see a zombie, shoot the zombie, hide from the zombie, scavenge some food whilst running from the zombies, regroup and hide some more, end with a BANG" formula that every zombie movie seems to employ.

I think that this is the problem with the fandom of zombie apocalypse things in general: we have grown accustomed to a one-shot movie that is no more than two hours long that takes us quickly through the emotional degeneration and survival-instinct kicking in phase, through the zombie mayhem and killing and typically ends with a punch and/or a bang.

When you draw that out into a season's worth of television programming, we lose track of how long has actually elapsed in the world. In The Walking Dead, it has only been about 2 months since the outbreak - and Rick was in a coma for the first few weeks of it! Of course these people are still going to be reeling about what's happened and the degeneration of civilization as we know it is still happening. They're not entirely sure how to cope with the losses of... well, everything. They are still trying to figure it out. And this is where the drama comes from. You can't expect everything to work perfectly, people die, zombies show up, everything goes to hell. You have to consider - and this is what I really loved about The Walking Dead - that stereotypes, racism, misogyny, gender roles, psychopathy, and all the other negative stuff that society keeps in check (usually) still exists. Without actual laws and law enforcement in place to keep these things in line, it's all going to run rampant. We have seen it happen in the show. (Merle, Ed, Lori, Shane all show off the things I just mentioned in the first 6 episodes...)

I don't get it when fans criticize the work that these people these PROFESSIONALS do. Weren't you entertained? Did you feel anything for the characters? You know you're coming back next week to watch it. And the week after. And the week after.

The season 2 finale had 9 MILLION viewers.

You watched it every week. Don't deny it. You probably watched the encore too. I know I did.

And The Walking Dead got me to bond with my 14 year-old sister who is also a fan. I go to mom's place to watch it with them every week during the regular season.

I don't have cable TV. I cancelled my subscription almost 6 months ago because I was tired of paying insane amounts of money (it was almost $80 a month for a  basic cable package) to watch Star Trek reruns and Doctor Who, if I was home in time to catch it. Which I never was. Because I work on Saturdays which is when it airs in my hometown.  And I am not a fan of most of the shows on TV these days. I have a very dry and "British" sense of humor. Sitcoms do not appeal to me.



I loved AMC, however. My partner and I would spend days off watching movie marathons and AMC's original programming for hours. AMC got me hooked on Westerns, namely Clint Eastwood's works. Hang 'em High is my favorite.

So please, if you're going to criticize the producers, don't harass them on Twitter. They have made themselves SO accessible to us, the fans, the viewers. So have the actors. Personally, I follow 3 writers, 2 Executive Producers, and 5 of the actors who I can think of off the top of my head on Twitter. I would hate to lose those privileges of being able to get my questions answered, or to see behind the scenes pictures that they share with us because of the soapboxing and the so-called "Superviewers".

I suppose that by writing this I am toeing the line of becoming a "superviewer" myself. But that's okay, because I'm done my soapboxing.

I'm really just looking forward to Season 3.

Kai Kiriyama is a novelist who has several books in the works and is hoping to write scripts for film and television one day, despite being unpublished outside of the internet. She lives in the frozen North with her hedgehog Odin, her snake Rhaegar and her laptop.

 You can find her on Twitter at @thekiriyamaheir and you can email her your arguments if you need more than 140 characters at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com

Arguments againt Sleeping Naked

What a novel concept, sleeping naked. We are so assured of our safety in our own homes that we have no problem revealing ourselves to the bed when we sleep. It's a relatively new concept too, I think. Sleeping indoors in a building I mean.

But we're protected from the elements indoors, so there's no question of having to protect yourself from rain or wind or snow. We open windows if we're too hot inside our buildings but even then it isn't like we need to protect ourselves entirely from the elements. That's why we build with wood and stone and brick.

But think about it, sleeping naked is probably the worst thing that you can do.

For starters, if you're like me, then you're an insomniac. I can guarantee that your roommates won't appreciate seeing you naked at 3 a.m. sitting on the couch, eating Cheetos and watching infomercials while your eyes bleed. Especially if you live with family. And while sitting naked at the computer is fun for a while, it tends to get boring and drafty after six hours of youtube and LOLcats.

Secondly, if you're an insomniac, you will probably need your phone with you so that you can chat with all your insomniac friends. Where are you gonna stick y our phone while you're doing insomniac things, like eating Cheetos. No pockets. So you'll want at least a place to hold your phone while your hands are busy.

My third argument against sleeping naked is probably the most logical of the lot. What if your house burned down while you were sleeping? Are you gonna have the time to find your pants before you run out of the house? Are you really gonna wanna be rescued by the firemen in your birthday suit? What if it's the middle of January in Canada when this happens? 40 below with no clothes sucks, trust me.

My fourth argument is this: would you run away with the Doctor in your skivvies? Probably not, and to be honest, unless we're talking 9th incarnation, he'd probably leave you behind. Besides, pockets are an integral part of time travel.

Okay okay, so I'm not making a lot of sense. Sue me, I just wanted to write something. But I'm gonna leave you with a final argument to make you reconsider sleeping naked.

The zombie apocalypse almost invariably strikes in the middle of the night and progresses into the next day. If there's zombies on my front step at 3 a.m. I am sure as hell not fighting my way out of my bedroom in anything less than jeans and a Tshirt. My pajamas are awesome, they have pockets in the pants and are made of flannel and to be honest, the Tshirt I usually sleep in is autographed so at least when I get bitten by a zombie that has broken into my house while I'm asleep, I'll look cool when I turn. I ain't having my nekkid body be shot by a survivor, I want that survivor to know that I was pretty damn cool before I was zombified. And dressing gowns are for sissies and Canadians. :P

-EDIT-

I hate editing. A lot. It is the absolute bane of my existence. I'm a sincere perfectionist and I subconsciously hold myself to unattainably high standards. I expect to be able to so things as close to perfect as I can the first time around. Usually, this means that I get things right the first time. Or the second try. rarely do I allow myself a third try (or anything beyond that, for that matter.)

Editing, to me, is like a second try. Which is what it's supposed to be, in a way. But I hate it. A lot. It makes me feel that I am not perfect (which I don't claim to be but it's still not a nice feeling to be saddled with.) Reading over my work and forcing myself to edit it feels like I am looking back on a part of me that I wish didn't exist. If I could write a perfect novel in one go I would write a lot more, I swear. But I can't. So I have to sift through the things that are not perfect. I have to look back at the sentences and paragraphs (and sometimes even entire chapters) that just don't fit. I have to look at the things that don't make sense, the imperfections, things that seemed like a good idea at the time but really weren't. The list goes on.

I hate the fact that there is such a long curve to perfection when it comes to writing. I know that the first draft of anything (especially if we're looking at something that was written during National Novel Writing Month aka NaNoWriMo) is gonna be sucky. And I do a lot of my best and most prolific writing during November. There's something about the support, about the frantic urgency that is writing a novel in a month, about the sense of camaraderie that comes from knowing there are thousands of other people writing frantically in the month with you that makes the creativity flow better for me.

And I know these things. So why is editing such a terror for me?

I think that looking back on my imperfections makes me uncomfortable. As it should. I know that I will never be perfect, and I know that my work will never technically be perfect. But it should be as close to perfect as possible, shouldn't it?

Editing is a chore. It isn't easy, and it shouldn't be. I should be challenge, like anything else. And I suppose that I am not quite ready to face that challenge.

I'm gonna go try to edit my 2011 NaNo novel. I kind of want to see it in print one day...

Chasing the Muse

I like that title. I think I'm gonna use it later.

I have been focusing on editing a lot more recently, which is a good thing, I know. Still, I feel remarkably uninspired to do much new work. I feel like editing is a necessary evil in the creative process, but it also hinders me from doing anything new and worthwhile. My muse has escaped me and I don't know where she went.

At least, I assume that my Muse is a lady. Muses generally are in mythology, like a more benign succubus.

My Muse has left me. Which may or may not be a good thing. I want to create, I want to write and I want to get back to building my fantastic worlds and stories for people. (And I'll admit, mostly for myself. Keeping it all cooped up inside is not healthy.) But despite that WANT, I can't. The Muse is gone. The drive and determination to make something from nothing has left me.

I haven't seen my Muse since November 2011.

I think chasing your Muse is a challenge in and of itself. If your Muse doesn't want to be caught, they won't be. I like to think that my Muse has gone somewhere warm, like Australia, and is sipping alcoholic beverages from a hollowed out coconut. (Do coconuts grow in Australia? I should go and actually look that up.) I just hope that when she comes back, she'll have some new ideas for me.

But it is really the chasing that is the problem. Muses are like our own personal Carmen SanDiego. You can glimpse them, but you'll never catch them, no matter how smart and proficient in geography you are. (Am I the only one who remembers that game show?)

I hate feeling like this, though. I hate not being inspired to write something at any given point in time. It's like I am missing a hand or other equally important body part. At this point, I'm just gonna sit back, relax and let my Muse come back from her vacation. I'm excited to see her luggage when she gets back. She always brings back stamps on the side.

What Improv has taught me about dating

I am basically a jack-of-most-trades. Not only am I a writer and a seamstress, but I'm also an improvisor. I do Improv comedy and recently have formed a professional competitive group. We do mostly the "whose line" style of improv because that's what we like the best. That isn't to say that we can't do serious or dramatic improv, we just like the games and the funnier side of it.

This isn't necessarily the point of this post, however. I'm writing to show off what doing Improv has taught me in regards to dating. You'd be surprised. We have a lot of scenes and games that involve taking someone on a date. We have played games that have hetero- and homo-sexual relationships depicted. (I personally love the homosexual scenes.) But I have noticed a few trends and my take on why we do them and how to take these scenes (and the lessons learned therein) an apply them to dating.

One: Dates INVARIABLY start at Italian Restaurants.

Why is this?
Because it's a SAFE choice. Most people will like either pizza or pasta, or some combination of the other things Italy is famous for and no one is going to really complain about their date's food choices.It's fairly reasonably priced at most Italian eateries and you look relatively impressive taking your date to a fine eating establishment.

What should we do to change it?
Do something different. Yes, rule of Improv number one is just go with whatever happens in your brain, but seriously, Italian restaurants? This also explains why your dates IRL are boring, well, at least partially. Don't say McDonald's as your first go-to either, and definitely don't take a first date there, unless specifically asked (for whatever reason your date enjoys going to Mickey D's. I don't judge.) Pick any other type of food, if you're pretending to be at a restaurant, anything, whether you know anything about the kind of food or not. Trust me, your date will be more impressed.

Personally, some of my better dates have started at Denny's (or ended there, if we did a movie or something first.) And, I'm allergic to seafood, another thing Italian restaurants have an abundance of.

Two: Karma punishes the creepy and awkward.

Why is This?
It's the way we set up the games. We do it because the audience wants to see a clear antagonist and discomfort is amusing to us because we have all felt the same way. Sometimes, you don't know what to say and it comes out wrong and you're punished for it. It happens in real life too, so why not make a joke of it in Improv?

What should we do to change it?
Let it go. Let the karma reward you or punish you as the scene (and Karma itself) deems fit. In real life, you only have to impress your date well enough to get that second date. (and third and so on etc.) Improv is supposed to teach you how to just go with it, and to relax, you can't control everything all the time so let your Karmic punishments and rewards happen naturally.

Three: There is a VERY strict guideline to how much you can compliment someone.

Why is this?
Because everyone has a different opinion of what is too much, too little, sincere, insincere and creepy. And I'm sure there's other adjectives in there too, but whatever. Too much, you're punished. Too little you're punished. Come off as creepy or insincere and you're punished. Good Lord, it's enough to drive you mad.

How do we change it?
Compliment sparingly. At the beginning of your date, compliment their looks. In the middle, compliment their wit or something similar. Make sure that you only compliment things once and be sincere. "Love your dress" is great the first time. The fifth time it's just creepy.

And finally.

Four: You will be creepy and awkward no matter what.

Why is this?
Because Karma is watching.

How do we change this?
We don't. It's human nature. Even if you're (performing/dating) someone who you've known forever, there are masks, shields, defenses, charms, glamours, what have you, all up on your date. And don't deny it, you're putting them on too. Like a mask, or a suit of armor. Or a character. Roll with it. Karma likes a good show.

Creativity Killer...

(Or, why I'm happy to have canceled my cable subscription.)

So, my fiancee and I made the joint decision about a week ago (as of this posting originally) to cancel our cable subscription. The decision came about after months of me talking about it. Personally, I don't watch television as it airs. My lifestyle, job(s) and hobbies don't work well with the rigid implementation of watching X number of hours of television programming per day in a futile attempt to catch all the shows I want to watch where X is directly proportional to how many reruns of Futurama play in a row either before or after my prime time television shows are aired.

Yes, most of our television time was spent together late at night (when my fiancee should actually be sleeping because he is up early every morning to go to work - he works as a drywall installer) watching reruns of Futurama, Robot Chicken, American Dad! and Family Guy on Teletoon at Night. The prime time shows I was (and honestly still am) interested in were Castle, Supernatural, Doctor Who, Eureka, The Walking Dead, Hell on Wheels and Sanctuary. I typically caught one of those shows on television 1 week out of 4 each month, and watched at least 2 of the aforementioned cartoons every night when we were both trying to 'wind down'. Quality time had become a shell of what it could have been, and we dulled our minds watching reruns of programs that we had already seen.

In the past few months (especially in the 2010-2011 television season) I haven't been able to catch more than one show during the originally scheduled airing time. And consider that with the cable package that we were paying for, Supernatural aired on 2 separate channels, but one was a week behind the other in sequential order, I STILL only caught 1-2 episodes per month, if I was lucky, and they were usually the same bloody episode.

I've become pretty much dependent on streaming, PVR, and other means of watching television shows, but never really on the television when they were on.

The other big factor in making the choice to cancel our cable subscription was the price.

We were paying almost $80 per month for basic cable. No HBO, no Movie Central, nothing special. $80 per month to watch Futurama reruns. It seemed like a logical choice.

But now! It's been amazing. I feel like my productivity has skyrocketed, I feel like writing, sewing, painting, learning to play musical instruments... Studying! Learning! And, I've rekindled my love affair with books. It's great, instead of turning on the television for three or four hours at night, after dinner my fiancee and I either do something together (sewing, artsy stuff, video games, movies etc.) or we each go our separate ways for the evening and do something we like (reading, writing, single player video games or Minecraft etc.) AND THERE'S NO PRESSURE.

We didn't like some of the same shows (I can only watch so many episodes of How it's Made before I want to burn all of my possessions in defiance) and we certainly didn't really talk about the shows we just watched. But now, we talk more. We visit more. There's more creativity and passion in what we do. We take an avid interest in what the other is doing and we have the attention spans to talk and ask questions about the activities the other is doing, or to do something together that doesn't involve the glow of the television and bickering over what channel has better programming.

I'm not against television. I love it. I love the stories and I love the programs, but I personally feel so much better now that there isn't the feeling of pressure to make the most out of the cable subscription simply because we're paying so much for it. Maybe, in the future, when I'm not so uptight about money, I will consider paying that much for my entertainment. Maybe I will be more open to watching hours of television, or turning it on for company. (I get lonely being home alone all day.) But for now, I'm going to settle myself contentedly with my hobbies, and without the glow of the television.

Eleven Things Vampires Need To Do (To Make Me Love the Genre Again)

(Because lists of ten are for sissies.)

I'm not gonna lie (or deny it for that matter,) I grew up watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I loved that show. Loved that show. I was eleven years old, had just finished reading Interview with the Vampire (and subsequently watching the movie) and my television watching outside of Saturday morning cartoons consisted of The X-Files, Millennium, The Pretender and Star Trek: Voyager. Suddenly, a magical wonderful show called Buffy the Vampire Slayer appeared. It changed the way I watched television. In fact, it changed the way I looked at the supernatural in general. Not to mention the genre itself. I will always view Buffy as one of the top role models for young girls (at least in the first couple of seasons, I still hated how much of a whore she became and Riley was a terrible choice for partners, better to have just ignored that whole part and gone right on to the sleeping with Spike business) especially in that era of television and prepubescent angst. I devoted six years of my life to that show (I missed the last season because I didn't have cable living on the farm) and I don't regret any of it. Except maybe the season with the Initiative – I really effing hate Riley. And Harmony. Especially vampire Harmony.

The point is that I still view the Joss Whedon era of vampires, and the predecessor of Anne Rice's early Vampire Chronicles books, to be the epitome of vampire lore. (Dracula notwithstanding, and of course the silent version of Nosferatu being the pinnacle vampire movie ever made. EVER.) It's in recent years, however, that I have really begun to fall out of love with the vampire genre. I loved the first two Blade movies (the comics are okay, but I never really got into them as much) but I think the decline and the idea that maybe I should start seeing someone else, started around the release of Underworld, and then continued with the subsequent horrors of Van Helsing and the movie adaptation of Anne Rice's Queen of the Damned. I was thoroughly unimpressed.



So, in an effort to reconcile with my lost love of vampires, I present to you a list of eleven things that they can do (or stop doing) that will rekindle my love with them. In no particular order:

11. Stop Brooding.
    Bloody hell. If it was awesome to be a vampire, don't you think there'd be more of you? Or at least there'd be a lot more awesome things happening instead of all this emotional brooding garbage that I keep seeing. I thought I had it bad with Angel and his whole dark and mysterious brooding presence but I mean, seriously guys, you're immortal, you get to stay up all night, party, have awesome superpowers, realistically have maybe 1/100^th of the sense of morality that normal humans do and yet you can't be happy for longer than a second can you? Fine, you're like a thousand years old. Fine, you had to watch all your loved ones die. That's sad, but that's life. Deal with it. Even Lestat got over the loss of Nicki after a couple of decades, and Spike wasn't all that upset about his crappy poetry anymore after he brutally murdered his critics with a railroad spike. (*Note to self: kill your critics who give you bad reviews with a railroad spike.)
    

10. We get it, most of you can read minds.
    

It's not really a surprise that vampires have all sorts of ungodly powers. Unnatural speed, strength, heightened senses of smell, sight and hearing. (And according to Buffy “An innate ability to learn kung-fu.”) So it really shouldn't come as much of a shocker that some vampires can read minds. It's like saying that the sky is blue. “I can read your mind.” coming from a vampire is like my boyfriend telling me that he has a present for me and then following it up with “and it's in my pants.” I don't see why this is such a big deal. And it's not even really that it's a big deal that a vampire CAN read minds, it's more of a big deal when the vampire in questions CAN'T read minds. More specifically, a single mind. More specifically, the single mind of the object of said vampire's current sexual frustrations. Lestat could read EVERYONE'S mind, except for Louis and Claudia because he created them. It makes sense, if you were planning to kill your creator, you wouldn't want him poking about in the dark crevices of your mind would you?

9. Stop trying to blend into human society

You're a vampire. People are going to question why you look like you're sixteen and aren't in school. You can't really get a good job because you're forced to sleep during the day. If you were lucky you should have been left a small fortune that over the years you could have squirrelled away and invested (or had someone else invest for you) so that you're set up with enough money to last your eternity. If not... why haven't you done that? You should be living it up like an eccentric old coot on a mountain or hill mansion, never to be seen during the day and always ignoring society like the plague humankind so assuredly is.   

 

8. (but if it's a must) Stop letting Goths and Preps tell you how to dress.
Yeah, so everyone gets lonely. So do vampires right? But I assume that listening to crusty old immortals talk about the 'good old days back in 1492' could get rather tiresome. So why not go out and mingle wit the fresh blood? Maybe you'll even grab a bite to drink while you're out and about. But seriously, please stop dressing like a spokes model for Abercrombie & Fitch. You're from the deepest darkest regions of fantasy and nightmare, not the Jersey Shore. And while we're at it, the leather and corset thing is great, but are you trying to fit in or scare off anyone who might potentially talk to you who has any degree of intelligence beyond the sixth grade? I'd be okay if a vampire showed up at my house in jeans, a button down shirt, and a leather jacket. (No, I'm not obsessed with Spike, shut up.) In fact, I'd be okay if a vampire showed up in period clothing like Lestat but I definitely would not be okay with a modern day Goth or a pasty vampire in khakis and a polo shirt showing up on my doorstep.
 

7. Stop trying to regain your lost humanity.
You're dead. Deal with it. You kill to survive. How is it any different than killing a pig for bacon? Oh right, you seem to have some of those pesky morals about you still. How about I go and kill a chicken for my own dinner and you go feed on that slutty chick who's been grinding against you at the goth club all night? I guarantee she'll go on to the next world (guided by Anubis, I'm sure) happier than a clam knowing that she was offed by a real-life vampire. Which brings me nicely to my next point...
 

6. Drink human blood, dammit!
Not the frozen stuff you get at the blood banks, and none of that going to the butcher to get his/her pig's and cow's blood that just gets thrown away anyway. Go out, find a hobo and drain him. Right now. I'll wait for you. Maybe if you're lucky you'll pick a drunk one and get some of that contact high drunkenness that comes with ingesting all that blood with a high alcohol content. Are you getting up? Hurry up, seriously, I'll wait but I have to be home before dark, that's when the vampires come out.
 

5. Stop coming up with reasons why you can walk in the daylight.
Mythology tells us that vampires can't walk in the daylight. Some movies have even suggested that Dracula was the original Judas who sold out Christ, and then went on to hang himself but God was all like “nope, you aren't allowed to die” so he became an undead, shunned from the world and unable to ever see the glory of the world in daylight ever again. That seems convoluted but okay! As long as you're not allowed to see the sun, I'm okay with this. In fact, I don't even care what the reasoning behind why you CAN'T walk in the daylight is, as long as you DON'T walk in the daylight.
 

4. What's with this rivalry between Vampires and Werewolves/lycans/other were-things/shapeshifters?
No seriously. I don't get this. Where did this even come from? Did like, the original Wolfman call Dracula's mom a whore or something? Or did Dracula kill a werewolf once and mount it's head on a pike in front of his castle like ol' Vlad was wont to do? Or is this because Vampires were getting all the hot virgin action and the Were-things were jealous 'cause bestiality is worse than necrophilia? Is it one of those 'the night ain't big enough for the both of us' things? Are all Vampires secretly Clint Eastwood? If someone actually knows the answer to this, I'm all ears.
 

3. Stop with the covens/clans/family togetherness bullshit.
Safety in numbers doesn't work when there's a Vampire Slayer on the loose. Werewolves are excused from this rule because they're wolves. It's a wolf thing. But we're talking about Vampires here. Just because there's a hundred of you doesn't mean that you should force them to come over for Thanksgiving dinner every year. I remember what those dinners were like in my family – and we weren't even psychic! Imagine all the resentment and discomfort multiplied by a thousandfold and add in psychic powers, short tempers and unnatural strength. All right, I'm entertained as hell thinking about the blood and gore that would ensue, but I don't think that it would bode very well for anyone who ends up getting out of the bloodbath. How do you recover from a family dinner where you just tore your new cousin's arm off? That relationship is never gonna be quite the same again.
 

2. Stop owning/working in strip clubs/the sex trade and overall being human fetishist sex toys
How is getting a boner even possible if you have no blood of your own left? And why are you even considered attractive? I personally HATE it when my boyfriend puts his cold feet on my legs when I'm trying to sleep. And cold hands anywhere on my body is not a pleasant feeling (unless I'm running a fever, but that's beside the point.) So maybe you're pretty damn perfect. And maybe you need a place to live. And maybe you need some money. Or lots of money... And maybe you have some inexplicable need to feed off of lust or pheromones to keep yourself looking fabulous. I don't know. I just regurgitate the facts that I read in the Anita Blake and Sookie Stackhouse novels. (I think one of them calls it ardeur but I can't remember which one. I'm convinced that the authors are cleverly the same person writing the same premise under different names with different heroines. Laurell K. Hamilton and Charlaine Harris, I'm waiting for an email from either of you assuring me that you're not the same person.) I'm really not reading vampire books for undead erotica. If I wanted that, I would go pick up anything ever written by Anne Rice under one of her erotica pen names and replace the main male protagonist's name with Lestat... Or go watch Torchwood again. Jack Harkness kind of counts as an undead, doesn't he? Whatever, the point is that with so many awesome abilities and opportunities available to you as a vampire, why would you work as a whore/stripper?
 

1. Stop sparkling.
Unless you're George Takei or David Bowie and have been turned into a vampire.

Kai Kiriyama is still a geek girl, still a writer, and still working her way towards getting published. She would also like to point out that she has, in past vampire novels, broken at least four of these rules herself in an attempt to make her vampire novels more 'mainstream'. Kai would like to point out that she is probably a vampire hipster but will bite you if you say that to her face. As always, there are several ways to get in touch with Kai.

Email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com

Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/authorKaiKiriyama

Caffeine-free: What a Terrible Way to Be!

So yesterday was a day that saw me write 18,016 words before midnight. I started just after noon I think and I did take a few breaks in between pumping words out of my brain onto the pages but wow, what a feeling of accomplishment and insanity. My wrists REALLY hurt afterwards and the arrival of supper meant that I wasn't gonna write any more.

The scary thing is that I did it all with almost no caffeine.

You may not know this about me but I'm a caffeine addict. A fiend, even. I love me some coffee and I adore Coca-Cola, so it shouldn't really surprise anyone.

But I had only a single cup yesterday.

And look at what I accomplished. I felt awesome about myself, great about the work I was doing and amazed that I managed to keep my brain functioning for that long and at that level of coherency without my blessed nectar of life.

Today, I have no caffeine.

I have a headache. I'm cranky. I want to murder everything. And I can't make my fingers move quickly or coherently enough to produce more than a couple hundred words at a time. And I've been sitting here since 1 p.m. This is terrible. I feel terrible, I look terrible and I feel like my brains are going to explode out of my head and ooze out of my eyes at any given moment.

If you haven't guessed, the word of the day is 'terrible'.

I didn't realize how truly addicted to caffeine I was until I didn't have any. Then the yucky symptoms start. Irritability, headaches, fatigue. Blah blah blah.

I swear I'm never doing this again. I NEED caffeine to live. And to write. And to make the boring bits a lot easier to handle.

5 FAQs and What I think About Them

So it's the usual thing; you're doing an interview for some form of public advertisement or another and the same questions come up. I refer to them as the FAQs of Self-Promotion. These are the most common questions that I notice are asked or that I have been asked in various places. I'm not giving you my answers, but just an opinion of what I think about them. I'm really annoyed by most of these questions, I feel that they display a lack of interest in what I actually do and a lack of knowledge about what I'm all about. I warn you, I am making fun and being quite bitter. I also actually will answer these questions if asked, but please, don't open a conversation with me using any of these questions. I think we need some more creative FAQs, don't you?

1. "Where do you get your inspiration?"

"First, I have to read a lot of British political books and some Ancient Greek philosophy. Then I smoke a lot and drink like a fish to channel my inner Hunter S. Thompson. Then I have to deface a piece of public property and get into a fight with a stranger. Then I go to the pub for fish and chips and Guinness. Then I scribble notes on a dirty bar napkin in between rounds of karaoke. After that, I go home to sleep for three days. If I'm lucky, I'll have written something inspiring on that napkin. If not, the process has to be repeated until I do."

My immediate response to this question is usually 'My brain', but that answer can vary depending on how sarcastic I'm feeling or how genuine the person asking the question is being. If I get asked the question 'where do you come up with [your ideas]?' I'm usually less offended. I think that asking for inspiration is used mostly as an ice breaker and to gauge how in depth you're willing to go on your answers. I feel that a lot of journalism, especially in the current information age, is timid, afraid of offending or losing their exclusive when it comes to the types of questions asked. (I could be wrong about that considering how cutthroat the industry is.) I also understand that it's a common question and that everyone who is inspired by (you) me wants to know where ideas and inspiration come from. I just think it's a terrible way to start a conversation.


2. "Who are the biggest influences on your work?"


"H.P. Lovecraft and my psychiatrist. Dr. Yoko P.h.D. says that the drugs are really taking effect and that the voices in my head should subside any day now." 

Why would I openly admit to drawing influence from pop culture? I think there ought to be a time limit on who and where you're allowed to draw influences from. I hate this question SO MUCH, mostly because I never know how to answer it properly. I also rarely draw influences from pop culture, I prefer to steep my work in world mythology and religious theory, so I  guess my answer is God?


3. "You have been compared to [insert celebrity name here] how does this make you feel?"

"Inadequate."

Why should I compare myself to someone who has won multiple awards or, in the cases of the creator of sparkly vampires, written something that should be abolished? Having no awards under my belt and being compared to someone who I admire (or theoretically SHOULD admire) seems like a compliment but in reality it makes me feel like I am just a kid with no chance in hell. I mean, honestly, Stephen King was told that he should stop writing and that he'd never make it. I dunno if I'd be flattered to be compared to him. Besides, there's no guarantee that my books will sell a billion copies, even if I am called 'the next Robert Jordan' or something equally ridiculous.

4. "How old were you when you started [writing]?"

"Seeing as the public school system was pretty awesome when I was a kid... I'd say like 4." (And my first words were 'Mom' and 'Cat'.)

Oh wait, you mean professionally? Um... I dunno. It seemed like a natural progression in my life. (I was 13 when I decided I wanted to work towards getting published and I started writing screenplays, in case you were legitimately wondering.) It really isn't something that you kind of make a note of in your diary. Except I did. Because I was convinced that I could get published at 14, like that Paolini guy (That's his name right?) who wrote the Eldest series. Then I found out that he had an inside edge 'cause his parents owned a publishing company. *le sigh* I'm still working on it, and I'm still writing. Why does it matter when I started?

5. "What words of advice do you have for [people aspiring to be like you]?"

"Don't. No. Seriously. Don't. I'm a caffeine fiend, I'm an insomniac and I'm pretty stressed out all the time. I also have become a hermit and like to stay in my house in my pajamas for days at a time eating Cheetos and watching British comedy. Oh and I guess I write sometimes, but I don't remember that part much."

I don't really have any advice to start with. And then you add that this is for people who wanna be like me? There goes whatever small amounts of advice I had to give in the first place. And why would you ask me this question more than once? It's not like the advice is gonna change much. If I've answered this question in the past month or six, please don't ask me again. Or else I WILL give you a snarky answer.

*****

So that's about it. I'm cranky and sarcastic when it comes to FAQs, but then again, you knew that about me already didn't you?

Kai Kiriyama is currently driving herself mad by attempting to make up from a 200,000 word deficit in a persona competition she has going on during NaNoWriMo. As always, she is a geek at heart and up for a chat.

Email questions, comments, or shoutouts to: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com

Follow Kai on Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir

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