Writer Wednesday: Traits of a Writer

I've been talking a lot about status for your characters, and that's great, y'all should go read those posts if you wanna take your writing to the next level.

Today though, I'm gonna turn that lens on us -- the writers.

Let it be known that today, I have decreed that writers TEND to be introverts.

I'm borderline. I work on both levels, somewhere right between introversion and extroversion. I love to talk to people and I go to conventions and whatever, but for me, a good time tends to be home alone on a Saturday night with a cup of tea and a good book.

Introverts tend to be more apt to being lost in thought and introspective. Introverts are more in tune with feelings and while they seem to be lonely, the opposite is true. Introverts have fun watching as opposed to actively participating.

Introverts tends to display all the characteristics of being shy and "low status".

Introverts tend to get nervous in large groups.

Anything sound familiar?

Don't worry, this is totally okay. You're a writer. You're allowed to daydream, to get lost in thought, to listen, to people watch. It's almost expected of you. 

The problem is that you're also expected to engage your audience. To do meet and greets. To do book signings and all manner of press things.

Introverts, repeat after me: thank heaven for the internet. You can do so much to engage your audience with the internet and social media. Applied liberally (and directly to the audience) even an introverted writer and build relationships with the people who would be buying your work and stuff. 

So fear not. You may be introverted, but we know that it's okay. It's kinda what being a writer is all about.

Dissection

Characters are the biggest thing you need to make when writing. Sure, plot is important, and so is world building, but knowing your characters inside and out is a crucial step in creating believable, lovable stories that will stand the test of time or whatever.

Lemme share with you something that I have learned recently:

Don't immediately dissect and take your characters under a microscope when you're first starting a new project.

Seriously, that initial blank slide is super highly intimidating. Like, you KNOW there should be bits of DNA and other forensic evidence on this slide and you feel like you KNOW what it is, but that immediate blank slide is scary. It's like the bad report card you wanna hide from your parents.

Your characters need motivation, and life and a past, but don't start with the tiniest details that you need to see under your microscope. The fact that Jane Doe's favourite pizza topping is anchovies because it reminds her of the fishing village where she grew up is fine and dandy, but if it's not relevant to the story, why would you fill that detail in right away?

And John Doe? His lack of a right nipple due to torture by sandblaster explains why he avoids any place where there's sand and why going to the hardware store reduces him to a crying mess, but he's currently locked in a laboratory being tested on for biochemical warfare, his missing nipple doesn't really play into the story right now.

Start with the basics: Hair and eye colour, age, skin tone, height, weight. Then move on to the next things you need to fill in. Job, family, pets, style of dress.

And so on. I find that RPG character creation sheets give you the best baseline for figuring out what's important. (D&D finally has a practical use, mom!)

And creating believable chracters takes time, but watch out for that dissection and microscope. When you take your characters apart, be sure you have your facts in order and don't jump right into it with both feet. It's an organic process. Your story will help build your characters as you go. Just remember to figure out what's important, and fill in the little microscopic details when they become necessary or relevant.

Oh, and maybe have a dossier handy, keeping your facts straight is more important.

What kind of microscopic details have you added to your characters? 

End of the Word: Boondock Saints 3 Spec -- Deleted Scene

Well, the world didn't end, so as promised. Here is my "Conjugal Visit" scene from my Boondock Saints 3 speculative script. For those of you unaware, "Spec script" means that I basically just wrote a more technical fan fiction for my favorite movie series and have put the finished project into my portfolio for when I start handing out my CV and applying for jobs in the film and television industry. I write a lot and this was honestly a labour of love more than anything else. It definitely brought closure to my relationship with the Boondock Saints. And made me love the story even more. 

Anyway, I do hope that nothing actually happens in the next 24 hours... that would suck.

Enjoy.

Love,

Kai Kiriyama

SC. 8(a)

INT. PRISON – CONTINUOUS

Connor and Murphy sit quietly on their respective beds in their cell. A GUARD knocks against the BARS of their cell. Connor and Murphy look up at the guard, SLOWLY.

GUARD:

You boys have visitors.

CONNOR:

No press.

GUARD: (snorts in contempt)

It's not press. Move it.

Connor and Murphy exchange CONFUSED looks. They stand in UNISON and move towards the CELL DOOR. The door OPENS and the guard HANDCUFFS the brothers. Additional GUARDS appear and fall in to FLANK the brothers as they are led down the hall.

MURPHY:

Who d'you suppose it is?

CONNOR:

Your guess is as good as mine.

MURPHY:

What if it's Ma'?

CONNOR: (a beat)

God have mercy on us if it is.

Connor and Murphy are led to the VISITOR ROOM. It is empty of all other PRISONERS. A solitary GUARD stands at the DOOR on the opposite side of the room from where the brothers entered. Connor and Murphy HESITANTLY take SEATS at the TABLE in the MIDDLE of the room. The GUARDS who escorted the brothers in leave.

Murphy TURNS to watch the guards LEAVE, suddenly very NERVOUS.

MURPHY:

We're gonna die.

CONNOR:

We're not gonna die.

MURPHY:

There's no guards in here.

There's no one else at all.

And look.

Murphy POINTS out the CAMERAS on the walls. All of them are DEACTIVATED.

MURPHY: (cont'd)

All the cameras are turned off.

CONNOR: (dryly)

Maybe it's a conjugal visit?

Murphy gives Connor a look of DISGUST.

A KNOCK sounds on the DOOR where the remaining GUARD STANDS. He opens the door.

Detectives DOLLY and DUFFY enter the room. DUFFY speaks quietly with the GUARD. DOLLY simply STARES at the BROTHERS.

CONNOR:

Told ya'. Conjugal. We're

gonna get fucked either way.

DUFFY finishes his conversation with the GUARD and the guard LEAVES. The two detectives stand over the BROTHERS, looking MENACING. Connor and Murphy stare UP at the detectives, INNOCNETLY. A TENSE moment passes.

MURPHY:

God, it's good to finally see

a friendly face.

DOLLY:

Yeah, about that, we've got bad news.

Dolly and Duffy sit down across from the MacManus Brothers.

DOLLY: (cont'd)

This isn't a social call.

CONNOR:

Aren't you gonna get

in trouble for this?

DUFFY:

Actually, we're here to get

your story about Greenly's death.

MURPHY:

Why? You were there.

DOLLY:

We didn't see the shooter.

DUFFY:

The Chief wants you to confess.

MURPHY:

It wasn't us, so that's

not gonna happen.

CONNOR:

We're not “cop killers”.

We're not letting you pin

that shit on us, too.

DUFFY:

We know that, but our bosses

don't. The public wants

closure.

MURPHY:

How much fuckin' closure do they

need? The shooter's body was right

there!

DOLLY:

It's a little messier than that.

MURPHY:

Bullshit! Why don't you just

tell everyone that Greenly was helpin'

us? That'll clear a few things right up,

and it's not like they can fire him now!

DUFFY:

We've considered it, believe me.

CONNOR:

We're not takin' the fall

for Greenly's death, so you've

wasted a trip.

DOLLY: (hesitantly)

You know we don't agree with

this, right? It's just a cover?

MURPHY:

No shit, Sherlock.

CONNOR:

Haven't you learned anything yet?

Connor and Murphy LAUGH at the Detectives' expense.

DOLLY: (relieved)

You bastards are gonna give

me a heart attack.

DUFFY:

How are you two holding up?

MURPHY: (shrugs)

Roof over out heads, three squares

a day, we're pretty much left in our

cell all day 'cause every time we go

out, a riot breaks out.

CONNOR:

We're very social, made loads

of friends in the year since we've

been in here. We're pretty popular.

DOLLY:

What're you gonna do?

CONNOR:

Wait it out. We're model

prisoners. We only fight back

in self defence.

DOLLY: (mutters)

Jesus...

DUFFY:

You know they're sending

in a shrink?

MURPHY:

'Bout time.

DUFFY:

You want a psych evaluation?

MURPHY:

Why not? S'not like we need

to prove we're not insane. Everyone's

already made that judgement call

for themselves.

CONNOR: (a beat)

You're the first visitors we've

had. No press, no lawyers, nothin'.

We're totally alone here.

MURPHY:

And we're still not “cop killers”.

The DOOR opens then, and the GUARD returns. Duffy and Dolly STAND slowly and follow the guard, leaving. Murphy halfheartedly WAVES goodbye as the DOOR slams shut.

On Ego

I've noticed that a lot of writers (myself included) have a somewhat inflated sense of self. Whether it's ego, or something else, I'm not sure, but I find that so many of my writer friends have this mentality.

I know PLENTY of other writers who think the same way, they're all cocky, self-assured creatures who have the mindset that they are awesome and deserve ALL the accolades and the worship and paycheck that goes with being an internationally best-selling author.

Whether this is true or not in the public eye remains to be seen.

But the mindset is abundantly clear.

I'm a cocky, self-assured little wench. I think I'm awesome. I think that I have a distinct, unique style in my writing and that my works deserve to be shared (you know, when I get around to polishing everything and editing and all that other stuff.) I know that I use the cockiness as a defense mechanism. I work myself up to the point that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am [insert positive adjective here] and that good things will come to me for whatever reason I choose to maintain the egoism. For me, it makes rejection a thousand times easier. It means that I can get over the disappointment a lot faster and work on improving what needs improving so that I can try again.

Having said that, I'm perfectly willing to have an open discussion about what [needs improvement, what (you) liked, hated, feelings the words evoked etc. etc. etc.] and take criticism, constructive or not.

I am also all about building my fellow writers up and sharing in their successes (and alternately, being there to grieve with them in their failures).

Writing is a lonely, lonely job. You lock yourself away to be in the throes of your imagination for hours on end. Alone. Because working alone is when you get the best work done. You only get social interaction when you're in the editing/critique/beta reading phase, and usually that's all business. Then it's back to revising. Rinse and repeat.

So why, then, is it SO COMMON with other writers to be self-righteous dicks? I'm not saying that I am immune to this, I'm only human, but I do try my hardest not to fall into that trap of ego and self-righteousness. I'm also certainly not saying that EVERY author is like this either. As with any group, there are some bad apples that you would much rather avoid.

Still, I see it all the time. I see blogs that are entirely self-serving (which you know, 99% of blogs are) or I see online discussions where the writers are condescending towards one another, and everyone else involved. I feel like the vast majority of writers are convinced that they are the next Hemingway or something and that everyone else is sufficiently beneath them. It's a very sad state of affairs. Most of these "authors" aren't even published and still they treat everyone else with an air of disdain and sarcasm. The worst is when I see other people/authors talk down to others. The biggest rule is that your audience is not stupid, you shouldn't treat them as such.

Your ego shouldn't be getting in the way of your relationships with other people. Especially with other authors. You never know when that smug and cocky tone of condescension is going to accidentally burn a bridge that would have otherwise helped you.

I mean really, we're all in this together, right? So why not support each other along? Rejoice in one person's success and offer sympathy in times of failure, but don't be smug and self-satisfied about it. And certainly don't be condescending. We can all get along in the literary sandbox. Right?

Kai Kiriyama lives in Calgary, Alberta with her pet snake Rhaegar and too many books to fit in one room. 

She is a monthly contributor to Zombie Training Magazine, which you can find here if you're so inclined.

You may reach Kai through email here! 
Or you can find her on Facebook if you're into social media.
Kai is also on Tumblr here! 
And of course you can follow on Twitter

Food for Thought...

I'm not usually one for giving advice, because everyone does, but I have a few thoughts about motivation and meeting goals. This is especially important for all you creative types out there because it's really the attitude that you have going into and on with what you're doing that changes your outcome.

You wanna get anywhere in life?

Remove the words "maybe", "if," "perhaps", and "aspiring" from your vocabulary. Whatever you're doing will happen when it's meant to.

You are NOT an "aspiring" anything.

YOU ARE A writer/musician/singer/actor/dancer/gumshoe/vigilante/superhero/philanthropist/evil cyborg overlord sent from the future to enslave mankind.

The word "aspiring" suggests that you're not sure of yourself and that you're still not fully committed to your craft, whatever that may be.

Now, I know that removing these words from your vocabulary is difficult. I'm not gonna lie, it took me almost 10 years to completely remove the word "aspiring" from my description of myself. But I'm not "aspiring" to be a writer anymore.

I AM A WRITER.

I am a monthly contributor to Zombie Training Magazine. I do some freelance work on the side. I write my own blog, maintain said blog (although lately it's been more sparse than I normally like) and I write short stories, novels and screenplays that I am working towards getting published.

I write. A lot. Therefore, I AM a writer.

If I am "aspiring" towards anything, then I am "aspiring" towards getting paid for my work, which is what happens when you get published. Or whatever it is that you do. (I write these ideas from a writer's perspective.)

Do you write music and play it? Then you ARE a musician.

Do you act? Then you ARE an actor.

Have you been sent back in time by Skynet (or similar future establishment) to enslave humanity? Then you ARE an evil cyborg overlord sent from the future to enslave mankind.

You're not "aspiring" anymore. You have become what you've wanted to become. So get rid of that damn word already.

Like I said, it took me almost 10 years to get rid of it myself, and sometimes, I admit that I still use it to refer to myself when talking with new people or filling out online questionnaires, but that's beside the point. Get rid of it. Once you fully commit yourself to what you are doing, and stop using the word "aspiring" things will become much easier for you in your head.

Now you're probably complaining that you have to work a "real job" to pay your bills and stuff. But that's all it is: a means to pay your bills UNTIL YOU ARE PAID FOR DOING YOUR CRAFT.

There is no "maybe" or "if" about it. No "perhaps". It WILL happen when it's MEANT to. If you have to work a crappy burger-flipping job for ten years to put yourself through college and to pay your bills until you can become that artist who sells billions of dollars of art, then so be it. Take away the doubt of the words "if" and "maybe" along with the soul-crushing word "aspiring" and it doesn't seem so bad.

You are working your "real job" to pay your bills. Nothing more. You ARE a writer, (or whatever) and you WILL make a living off it when it's time. Hell, stop referring to your burger-flipping job as your "real job". That isn't your REAL job,. Your REAL job is whatever craft you are dedicating yourself to, be it writing, music, film, art, enslaving humanity, you name it, that is your REAL JOB. So consider your soul-crushing burger-flipping job to be your 'day job' or your 'part-time' job or your 'for now job', but stop referring to it as your REAL job. Because it's not.

Give yourself reminders if you must. Leave yourself notes, or a note on a post-it stuck to your mirror, or the fridge. Whatever it takes. A daily affirmation isn't always a bad thing.

Just remember:

I AM A [whatever your craft is]. I work my day job FOR NOW, to pay my bills until the day that my craft will do that FOR ME. IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT'S MEANT TO.

Believe me, you'll thank yourself for this on the days where everything seems bleak and sucky.

And all you have to do is stop using the word "aspiring."

Kai Kiriyama is a freelance writer and a monthly contributor to Zombie Training Magazine (www.zombietrainging.com) She has several novels on the go awaiting publication and is working on writing scripts for film and television.

Kai lives in the frozen North known as Canada with her laptop and her pet snake Rhaegar for company.

You can contact Kai through one of the following methods:

Email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
Tumblr: thekiriyamaheir.tumblr.com
Facebook: facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama

The Princess and the Punk

DISCLAIMER:

Before I begin, I'm being ranty, opinionated and probably relatively misogynistic. In real life I am a woman, I have gone through all sorts of ego busting, self-doubt, self-hate, hating on everyone else, low self-esteem and pretty much any negative aspect you can throw at a girl in general. I'm not writing this to pick on anyone. I'm writing this as a commentary on the way I view the media since I'm working my way into it slowly. Feel free to argue with me in the comments or wherever you feel most comfortable contacting me. I'm cool with that. I want to see your opinions, read your thoughts etc. I don't care if you're male, female, transgendered, alien, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, Atlantian, zombified, rich, poor, famous, obscure, or any combination of adjectives you care to throw at me. I'm observing, and commenting. And I have no problem in arguing with you 'till we're both blue in the face. However, I will not tolerate demonizing or invalidating my opinions, so let's keep it civil. Cheers.

Now, read on.

*****

I love the fact that there are such eager stereotypes that women in [the media] are thrown into. In my opinion, it boils down to three or four distinct types that are essentially broad generalizations, if not outright Tropes. There's the Princess, the Sweetheart, the Diva, and the Punk.

I find that these broad generalizations happen regardless of what you're doing. You're a woman, you're in any form of media and you're pretty much typecast. There are probably a hundred variations and sub-classes but for now, I want to focus on these four major stereotypes.

First off, there's the Princess. This is the golden child, the royalty of the media world. This is the girl who can do no wrong, and if she does, there will be another chance, another book, another film, another sex tape, etc ad nauseum. I find that this is where the up and coming stars fall once they "make it big". Kirsten Dunst, Reese Witherspoon, Lindsey Lohan, Drew Barrymore and so on and so on. They have all been in this spotlight at one point or another. They are (or were) the royalty of the silver screen for a time. These are the women who make headlines and are on the cover of every rag mag forever -- regardless of what sort of crazy fabricated drama is happening -- and are still making movies/books/music whatever. The Princesses are the cash cows, the golden calves, the most sought-after young talent who will annoy you forever. The Princesses will go one of two ways, typically: they either stay in Royalty mode, appearing to make headlines when they get another deal, or the turn into Divas. Princesses who remain Princesses are the women who will show up in a major blockbuster five years after we've forgotten about her without the typical downward spiral that we (as an audience) come to expect. Scarlett Johannsen is prime example of movie royalty. Emma Stone is a current Princess as well, in my opinion. They are sought after by movie executives and producers and star in amazingly big roles consistently without the drama of a drug binge or whatever sort of drama you're likely to see on the internet or in the rag mags. Very much royalty in that sense.

Then there's the Sweetheart. These are women who are very much like the Princess, but are generally super bubbly and cute. Some people call them "Manic Pixie girls" which I can now understand. Zooey Deschanel is the biggest perpetrator of the Sweetheart stereotype. I use the term stereotype as there is no better way to describe this. I'm sure all of the women I mention are decent humans, but for the sake of argument, these are all stereotypes that we've been given to digest. Sweethearts are the ones who show up on talk shows and are all manners and soft spoken or bubbly. Exactly what you think a 'Sweetheart' would be if you called your friend that. These are the women who are expected to be super nice all the time forever and who rarely hit tabloids for fabricated drama (unless there's a divorce/romance involved) and even then, it's usually fabricated or blown out of proportion.

Divas, on the other hand, are the women who you EXPECT to be on the cover of tabloids. Any Princess can turn into a Diva by having a fit. Diva is not used in the old-school term here, more in the way that they will throw a fit if everything isn't perfect. These are the women who can't handle the Princess lifestyle and tend to end up photographed drunk, doing drugs and generally being bad for publicity. This is not to be confused with Punks, which I will get to in a moment. I find that anyone who falls into the Diva category is someone who either shouldn't be famous but still is, is only famous for being rich/having a sex tape/ etc, or is so over the top that you can't help but allow them to be famous for whatever they're doing. You can figure out who's a Diva int his sense on your own.

Finally, we have the Punks. These are women who stand up and out and will not be conformed by wearing pink and relying on men/fate/whatever to dictate their shit (within reason of remaining in their current profession.) Although, I suppose that with today's technology and things like Kickstarter, the true Punk women are taking a lot more control over things. My biggest examples of successful Punk women are Amanda Palmer and Avril Lavigne. These are women who do what they want, when they want and give a big ol' middle finger to the expectations of the media and have made a successful career for themselves.

Having said all of this, I get to the overall point of this rant.

I find that women who fall under the Princess or Sweetheart category are typically more successful than Punks. Divas are successful for reasons beyond my worldly comprehension and I assume black magic is involved with anyone who ends up like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.

I can respect the women who fall under the Princess or Sweetheart category. I really can. In my opinion, some of my favorite female actors fall into one of those two categories. And I applaud their success.

Now the question is: do you HAVE to start out as a Princess or a Sweetheart to make it anywhere these days?

I'm definitely not a Princess. I'm a genuinely nice person in real life, but I do very much appreciate the word "fuck" in everyday conversation. Does that make me less of a Sweetheart? Probably. I love action movies. I love fight scenes, I love "guy" movies. I love to read books that involve adventure and fighting and pillaging. I'm turned off my chick lit or chick flicks or romance. Hell, I don't even read erotica. I listen to punk music, and heavy metal, and I will happily drink beer over a Cosmopolitan any day and yet, I can cook, clean, sew, crochet and generally run a house like any good wife should be able to do.

But what I write is definitely not what you'd expect from a Princess or a Sweetheart.

I march to the beat of my own drum (and that drum typically sounds like a rowing beat on a Viking longship) and I don't let the opinions of the general public get to me. I wear my hair short and would rather pull on a pair of jeans than a dress and flip off the camera instead of blowing a kiss to the photographer. 

But is my Punk nature going to make me second fiddle to the literary Princesses? Is my Vikings-versus-Aliens intentional B-movie going to be rejected in exchange for a Sappy Romance Drivel B-movie?

I'll never know until I try, but right now, it feels like there's very little hope for women who refuse to play the Tropes,

Never afraid of a bit of controversy, Kai lives in Canada in a stuffy room with her laptop and too much caffeine. She spends her days performing menial and mundane tasks that her so-called real-life demands and spends her nights not sleeping due to chronic insomnia. 

Kai is also a contributor to Zombie Training Magazine. www.zombietraining.com

Kai loves to chat (and she loves a challenge). If you wanna get in touch with her, you can do so at the following places:

Email: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com
Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir
Facebook: facebook.com/authorkaikiriyama

The Story of Thor and Skrymir (Kai's version)

One day, Thor, Sif, Tyr and Loki were having an argument about who the mightiest of them all was. It is worth noting that the gods were all fairly drunk at this point, and that we're talking about huge Viking gods, not the pitiful Marvel adaptations who are little more than aliens. Anyway, the argument got rather heated, as the mead continued to flow long after the other gods all went to bed for the night.

Each of the gods claimed that they were the mightiest, and if the stories are to be believed, only Thor could really  back that claim up, but still the arguments were presented.

Finally, Loki convinced the others that if they really wanted to test their might, they should all go to the coldest place that they could find and perform various feats of amazingness, and since Joutenheim was off limits, they went to Midgard, to the Arctic Circle.

So off they went in Thor's chariot (which as you know is pulled by two male goats and is not the most glamourous thing there is to travel around in.) In retrospect, Thor realized that it was a good thing that his father was asleep because Odin doesn't approve of drunk driving. (Let this be a lesson to all of you, there's no excuse for drunk driving and Odin will punish you if you do it.)

With a less than elegant landing in a snowdrift, the gods disembark from Thor's chariot and they all begin building snow forts because there's nothing else to do in the North Pole.

Sif's snow fort was a multiple roomed castle, complete with a sauna.

Thor build a squat longhall with a burning fire in the center of the room.

Tyr said fuck that and built a modest igloo but tamed a pair of polar bears to guard his new house.

Loki just sat and watched his friends build their snow creations with a smirk on his face. When the others were finished their creations, Loki stood slowly, shaking the snow from his shoulders. He transformed himself into a giant, a giant even more giant than regular giants because he was Loki and his ego demanded it. With a laugh, he began kicking apart the snow forts that his friends had built. Tyr's polar bears tried to stop him but he picked them up and tossed them over the arctic tundra and they didn't come back.

"Loki!" Thor cried. "You douchebag!" (Douchebag is an ancient Norse word that is, of course, translated to mean 'he who is a bag of douches.) "Now we are cold, and drunk and have no place to sleep. Also, my goats have been eaten by those polar bears you threw and we're stuck here until we're sober."

"No! You foolish Thunder-bitch!" Loki replied. "While it is true that we are trapped here until morning, I have proven once again that you are all silly and that I am the mightiest."

Tyr scratched his head with his one good hand. "How's that?" He slurred drunkenly, more than a little choked up about the loss of his polar bears.

"Well, as you know, I'm not a simple Aesir like you. In my blood runs the tolerance to freezing cold because I'm awesome and part giant." Loki explained impatiently. "And so I can withstand even the coldest temperatures in all the Nine Realms."

"We're still stuck, Loki." Sif said grumpily. "You moron."

Loki simply laughed. "My point, dear sister-in-law, is that I can sit here all night and not complain, but you all will freeze and die and I've half a mind to let you."

"I"m telling Father." Thor said pompously.

"Tattle-tale." Loki snapped. With a dramatic sigh, he took off one of his gloves and dropped it to the ground. "I was going to give you my vest, but you're all so ungrateful that you can sleep in my glove and just deal with it." He folded his arms over his chest and spent the rest of the night sulking.

Thor and Sif and Tyr, however, all climbed inside the glove and had the best sleep of their lives snuggled in the fingers of Loki's glove.

None of them would admit to Loki being the mightiest, though.

The End.

Kai likes to make things up, and this is her version of why Thor and his friends would have slept in Giant-Loki's glove. 

Send Kai your feedback, she loves it. 

A moment of Randomness...

I was in a bad mood and decided to vent the angry with a silly.

So I wrote a song.

I also have a habit of intentionally derailing Internet arguments by instigating Nazis, (not sure how that works,) or by arguing religion as an Asgardian Worshiper. Whatever. Enjoy. Or not. I don't much care, I am insane right now.

I present, the Nazi Song - sung in the key of Llama:

Here's a Nazi, there's a Nazi,
And a fucking lot of Nazis.
Happy Nazi, Grammar Nazi,
Nazi, Nazi, Duck.

I used to be a Nazi,
In Auschwitz I would play,
Until the Allied Forces showed up and saved the day.

Did you ever see a Nazi?
Touch a Nazi? On a Nazi?
Half a Nazi, Femi-Nazi,
Nazi, Nazi, Duck.

Why I hate Children

WARNING: This is a rant. I am pretty mad right now. I am planning to cuss in this one. You've been warned.

All right, so it's not really children that I hate. I can deal with them in small amounts, and usually the children I (am forced to) socialize with are relatively well-behaved.

It's the PARENTS who I wish to destroy in all forms of violent and gratuitous manners.

I went to see Brave tonight with my sister. (She is my youngest sister and is 15.) What a great movie! It would have been more than great but we decided to go on a Tuesday night. At 7:15. AND THE THEATRE WAS FILLED WITH CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 5.

Who the ever-lovin' fuck takes their toddlers out to a movie at 7 on a Tuesday night?

Obviously every douchebaggy parent in the city.

I was perfectly willing to accept the fact that there were children in the theatre. I wasn't sure what to expect from another Disney-Pixar movie (except that it was guaranteed that I would cry at least once during the movie.) I certainly didn't expect there to be as many families with young children there as there were! A family with two very young children (I'm guessing that they were both under 4 years old and the younger of the two was 18 months) sat in front of us.

I didn't swear about that fact, the baby was really adorable.

Until about 30 minutes into the movie when this kid wouldn't stop fussing and crying.

Now, this is a 2-parent family. Mom and Dad were both sitting there, with both kids and one of them was screaming and crying. Well, Mom was an obese woman and she didn't do a damn thing. She didn't get off her fat ass and take care of this crying kid. No, instead, she loudly told her (husband?) to take the kid out of the theatre after he had been crying for TEN FUCKING MINUTES.

Ten minutes?? Really? You couldn't get off your ass to take your screaming kid out of the theatre so that you didn't disturb anyone else? And then you make your male-thing take the screaming child outside? You lazy bitch.

Here's the kicker to this story: THE DAD COMES BACK ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER AND SAYS THAT HE CAN'T CALM THE KID DOWN!!

So now we're treated to the Dad loudly insisting that the kid won't calm down, the kid is STILL FUCKING CRYING and I can't hear the whispers of the Scottish characters on the screen because of the bullshit caterwauling this damn kid is making.

I don't go out a lot. I don't have a huge budget for going out and I usually spend what little extra money I have on books or sometimes on meals out with friends or on beer. When I DO get to go out, it's a huge deal and a real treat for me. So to have the first movie that I've seen in theatres since Toy Story 3 (we saw the Avengers in theares, but that was a birthday party, so I don't really count it as a movie night because we budgeted for my birthday party to be a movie and dinner) ruined by a screaming child does not sit well with me.

I was about to say something but the kid finally shut up, so I was relieved of that duty, thankfully.

But this same lazy bitch is such a terrible parent that when we were getting up to leave the theatre (well, when THEY were) she just stood there and yelled at her children until they listened to her. She didn't try to be polite, she didn't try to be a good parent. Hell, she wasn't even responsible. She just stood there yelling at her hyper, screaming toddlers as other people were trying to leave.

Fuck it, not my problem.

When the credits finished (because almost every movie has a little scene of awesome after the credits nowadays, and Brave was no exception) we got up and all had to go to the bathroom. So my sister and I head into the ladies room.

Lo and behold, there is a Cineplex staff member using the washroom. She obviously wasn't on a break as she was trying her damnedest to hustle out of the bathroom after washing her hands but no. Some dumb blonde bitch of a mother (wearing booty shorts and toting two children, again probably both under the age of 4) starts harassing this poor girl!

"Don't you clean these bathrooms? You should talk to your manager! These counters are all wet and small children get soaked when we have to wash their hands! I'm going to speak to your manager about this! Why can't you people wipe this up?"

Fuck's sake, you stupid blonde bimbo! Why don't YOU wipe the fucking water up if it's such a problem? Or, you know, if you were a better parent you would hold your kid up to the sink in a manner that wouldn't get them wet in the first place.

Most public washrooms that don't have doors (like at most malls here, and almost all the theatres) don't have paper towels anymore. Waste reduction and blah blah blah. So how the fuck do you expect anyone to wipe the counters every five fucking minutes?

And this poor girl was just trying to pee and wash her hands so that she could get back to work. There's no need for you to hassle her! Fuck.

I don't understand why these young mothers think that they are so entitled to whatever the fuck they want. Oh good for you, you had unprotected sex and now you have reproduced. Fuck you. Do you want a fucking cookie? ANYONE can have a goddamn child. It's not that difficult to procreate. Why the fuck are you so self-entitled? Why are you such a goddamn prick?

And why the fuck are you so inconsiderate towards everyone else around you?

Y'know what? Fuck it. I don't want to know.

What I WANT is for all of these self-entitled bitches to fuck right off and crawl back into whatever fucking suburb they crawled out of because frankly? I don't give a shit about you. I don't give a shit about your children. You're the inconsiderate bitch who is ruining my movie-date. You're the self-entitled prick who blames everything on everyone else.

You're not a special goddamn snowflake just 'cause you squeezed out another living being from between your flabby, self-righteous thighs. You haven't birthed the next King Arthur.

You're just another sad sack of a human being, a waste of skin filled with hot air and bullshit and honestly, you don't deserve to have these kids in public.

So kindly crawl back into your rich, white-privilege, suburb-friendly, penis envying, gas guzzling car and let me at least have my one night out to myself without wanting to set the zombie apocalypse loose on the cinema and then rampage and kill you first.

Shit, there's definitely a reason why I prefer books over movies.

Kai Kiriyama is a self-righteous bitch in her own right. While she doesn't have kids of her own, she's  taken her  younger siblings out to movies when they were kids and not a blessed one of them was misbehaved.

Also, she regrets nothing.

Email her at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com if you wanna complain.
And follow her on Twitter: @thekiriyamaheir

She welcomes the backlash.

So, you live with a Writer...

"I wouldn’t want to live with a novelist. Writers are highly voyeuristic and indiscreet."

-PHILIP ROTH

 

 

I came across this gem of a quote earlier on Twitter. Timely as all get out, too, because I woke up with this blog post hammering away at my brain. It's quite funny, actually, to think about it. I have tons of writer friends, even two of my siblings write in varying degrees, and I am constantly meeting other writers, published, non-published, self-published etc. most of them online.  I'm sure this has been covered before, but it never hurts to write my own take on it, right?

To me, it seems like we all share a few common things. A love of creativity, a desire to tell stories, a NEED for escapism, to name a few. I have noticed that there are a few things that we all share above and beyond those basic things, and I had to examine it further.

Beyond having friends who I've noticed these common traits in, I live with a non-writer. If I'm gonna be honest, he's a non-reader as well, but only because he takes advantage of audio books instead of hard copies due to his job demands. I feel kind of bad for him, as not only does he have to deal with my neurotic crap, and my 'being a hormonal twenty-something female' crap, he also has to deal with living with a writer and all the baggage and insanity that comes with that. And let's not even get started on the get-togethers I sometimes attend (AND HOST) with other writers.

But all right, you've found a person you like. You might be in a serious relationship with them. Or maybe you're just roommates or best friends. No matter how you came to end up like this, you are now living with, or at the very least, socializing heavily with a writer. What do you need to know and what can you do about it?

1. Be prepared to be ignored for extended periods of time.
It's got nothing to do with you, specifically. Trust me on this. You're probably a great person, witty and intelligent and able to carry on conversations about all manner of topics, and that's great. But writers are elusive at the best and reclusive at the worst. When we get a thought into our brains, or we know there's a deadline, prepare yourself for lonely days in front of the TV eating microwavable meals for one. There's no stopping that flow of creativity, and usually it is better to create alone than while being distracted. Once the fever is gone, you'll be back in our good books. This also rings true for any friends or relatives who are involved int he writer's life. Don't be surprised if your writer friend disappears for weeks on end.

2. Reality is an unfortunate side effect of living that we don't particularly trust.
Remember when I mentioned escapism? Yeah, we're all prone to that. Things in real life tend not to fascinate us the way they fascinate you. It's either that or we see things differently. You might see a rock, we see a petrified dragon egg awaiting the blood sacrifice of a tyrant given by the third heir to the throne and we will run with it. Just let us have our way with things. Maybe come with us? You'll never know what it's like till you let us bring you.

3. Nothing is important besides the words and caffeine(/alcohol/nicotine etc.)
No seriously. You will have to remind us to eat, sleep, and probably be forced to take over the cooking and cleaning. If you have pets, ha, good luck. You'll have to walk Fido and feed Bubbles the Goldfish because when that fever gets hold of a writer, there's nothing more important than getting the words out. I have had food unexpectedly brought to me when I've been sequestered in my office for 8+ hours in a day and haven't eaten anything. It is always appreciated, and it's also really nice to know that someone cares enough to bring us food and make sure that we're not dead. My vice is caffeine, so wherever I set up my camp (sometimes I work in the kitchen) I am sure to have various caffeinated beverages on hand. Just be prepared to take in in stride and know that things will go back to 'normal' when the need to finish the writing subsides.

4. You will have to deal with either OCD levels of cleanliness or "Perpetual Bachelor" levels of messiness.
There's very little in between. I'm a neat freak, usually. Messes and clutter annoy me and I prefer to have a place for everything and everything in its place. Unfortunately, I live with kind of a slob, so there is a lot of head-butting about it. And if there's clutter in my office, there will be hell to pay.

5. Your day is nowhere near as exciting as whatever we're doing at the time.
Again, this isn't a personal thing, but having a conversation over dinner about how you had to do ten hours of bullshit data entry just isn't as appealing (or as amusing) to us writers as whatever novel we're reading or writing at the time. This is doubly true for writers who don't have to do much of anything else but write. And I apologize.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg, so feel free to add your own in the comments. These ones are really the big ones you would have to deal with if you were living with me.

Kai Kiriyama is available to chat on twitter @thekiriyamaheir or through email at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com

Kai currently lives in Alberta and writes for Zombie Training Magazine.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice...

Before I begin, I'm gonna warn you that my language may not be the most civil right now. I'm very angry, need to rant and I don't give a good goddamn about cussing being the "crutch of the inarticulate." Sometimes, cuss words are just what you need to utter to express yourself because "sugar" and "darn" don't work.

Also, free speech. Deal with it. On to my rant.

I have ranted about the childish nature of the Internet before. And I can't seem to get out of this habit of bringing it back to the forefront of my mind.

But a friend of mine is having an issue with childishness and stupidity through interactions on the Internet.

Basically, she writes a blog about her job, which is unconventional in the sense that she is a PSO. She's a lovely woman, I admire her very much and I think she is brilliant. She also puts my blog writing to shame because she edits hers and makes her thoughts far more coherently than I do.

Anyway, she got an unsolicited critique and generally had a negative interaction with someone on the Internet. She blogged about it and for you to understand why I'm ranting, you need to go read her story in her own words. 

This is the blog post.

Go read it or else you won't understand why this has pissed me off so much.

All right, so I love Twitter. I love the Blog-with-ADD aspect of it -- I only get 140 characters at a time to rant with, so I have to be more concise, or write 10 Tweets to get the point across. Ha ha! I love the community it (can) build(s). I love that I can interact with people all over the world in "real time". I love the public aspect of it. It's great.

I ESPECIALLY love the fact that it is used 99% for shameless self promotion.

Why do I love that part the most? Because I can shamelessly promote myself. I got a job writing for Zombie Training Magazine because I used Twitter, first to promote myself, secondly to find people with my interests, third because SOMEONE ELSE MENTIONED IT and I began to follow the magazine. You probably found your way here because of one of three reasons: you know me in real-life, or through one of the various Internet forums that I frequent, because you found me/saw me on Twitter or Facebook either on your own or through a mutual acquaintance, or because of the reply I posted on the aforementioned blog.

If you're here because of that third reason, hello. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. I hope you're reading this and actually paying attention because I don't like repeating myself.

As you can see if you've read the blog I've posted (with permission from the author, thank you) there is a sudden interest in the contents of said blog. And the comments beneath attempt to devalue one person's feelings, demonize one, if not both of the parties, and generally cause an ubiquitous amount of arguing over who is right.

And this is what pisses me off.

The comments begin as civilized conversation but quickly devolve into shit-slinging and childish name-calling. Some (if not most) of the parties are actively trying to devalue the blog writer's feelings and perceptions by claiming that the context was lost in a TEXT ONLY comment. Then they go on to say that the same TEXT ONLY conversation was a misunderstanding and that this whole thing was an overreaction.

I'm not sorry. You're a goddamn idiot.

Meanings behind words in a conversation without the subtleties of facial expression, body language and tone of voice is very difficult to comprehend a lot of the time. Especially through text, email or forum posts. And that is doubly true on Twitter. (With only 140 characters I'm surprised that I haven't offended more people constantly!) Living as a normal person and being attuned to those subtle clues, and knowing how to read them in person, is what makes having a conversation an art form. When you lose all of those things, you are left with only the words, and only words can be manipulated, misconstrued and misunderstood, depending on the PERCEPTION of the person reading them. Not to mention the context of the words, and other outside influences.

For example. If I was to say 'fuck' right now (kind of like I just did) how would you take it? I was just writing a word. You don't know if I'm exhausted, angry, sad, exasperated... I could have just hurt myself and cussed to alleviate my own pain. I could have been "multitasking" and just got some bad news. I could be outright trying to insult you with my vulgarity.  Or I could just really like to say that word.

The point is that you don't know what my mood and meaning is behind the TEXT you just read and without my own personal subtle clues in my voice and body language etc. you are left with your own PERCEPTIONS. And that's okay.

If you choose to leave a comment and say "Kai, you really offended me when you said f*ck just there. I think it's vulgar and you should choose a different word to express yourself in the future." I'll accept that. But my initial response is usually "fuck off" followed by, "I wasn't TRYING to offend you. I just like saying fuck when I'm trying to get a point across. It's as good a word as any."

If you are offended by it then that is what you are PERCEIVING. There's no reason for me to vilify that. There's no need for me to demonize you for being offended. And there is certainly no reason to go on a rampage in the comments section. I wasn't attacking you and I wasn't directing my cussing at you. It's a word. It's my way of expressing my thoughts. It's also very easy to take out of context. Cuss words are ESPECIALLY easy to take out of context in our society where cussing is as much a part of everyday life (to some people) as breathing is.

Interactions online can't become a he said/she said situation. When it does, and when it devolves into a general witch hunt because of words that may or may not have been misinterpreted, we have a problem as a society.

Furthermore, unsolicited critiques and vague, dismissive statements like "not my cup of tea", are NEVER welcome. As a writer, I want to know what you think, that's why there's a comments section. But I don't need a breakdown of every sentence. I don't want your critiques if you're just reading in passing. I want thought-provoking conversation unless otherwise stated.

And really, If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I'd rather live with the anonymity of who is reading my blog than have to deal with your PERCEPTIONS, even if they are mislaid.

 

Degrees, Diplomas, and Daydreaming

I got into an argument with a friend of mine recently.

Not so much of a surprise there, I argue with everyone. And I mean everyone. If you say something I think is dumb or incorrect, I'll argue with you. If  you say something that I know is incorrect, I'll fight you harder. I'm a Gemini, and a Tiger in the Eastern Zodiac. It's just the way I am.

But I digress.

I got into an argument about whether having a degree in writing - whether for film or television or just literature in general - is an absolute necessity for making it in the writing world.

They think it is crucial that you go out and spend $30,000 or more and 4+ years on a piece of paper that says you are capable of writing fiction to a specific format.

I laughed at them.

Then I showed them my bookshelf. I have books from the same sort of classes, plus scripts for television and stage and film, as well as workbooks for literature. My collection is more succinct and to the point than the books this friend has for school.

I spent under $250 to acquire all of these things. I've read most of them at least twice. And I reference them when I'm looking for specific answers to things I'm unsure about.

Neither of us are published, so if that was your next question, no. At this point, I don't think either of us are closer than the other, so it's not like that's a factor either.

Am I a better writer? I think so. Why? Because I haven't had professors breathing down my neck for 4 years telling me how to write. I have found my own 'voice' in literature, and have picked up the format for screenwriting again after 10 years of neglect. I'm comfortable with how I write and I am comfortable with my stories. I know that this person in question can't say the same thing.

What I will concede to, however, is the hands-on. Personally, I wouldn't know the ass end of a camera from a chocolate bar, or some other sort of simile of equal ridiculousness. Well, okay, I know where to look into a camera, but I wouldn't be able to operate it with any level of proficiency. And that's okay. I can learn.

I think it's sad that we have put a price tag on the arts. at least on the things like writing that anyone should be able to do with a relative knowledge of story structure and grammar. Oscar Wilde didn't have a degree. Neither did Shakespeare.

I guess time will tell us who gets published first.

Cocky bitch. I'm gonna win that race.

Kai Kiriyama should know better than to write blogs under the influence of alcohol. She is currently having a mental breakdown and drinking beer. It's pretty amusing to watch.

As always, follow her on twitter @thekiriyamaheir
Or to argue with her through email, you can reach her at: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com 

Funeral for Cornelius

As you enter, please listen to this song for your consideration and take your seats to the funeral.

Dropkick Muprhys "Amazing Grace"

Thank you all for coming. We are here today to mourn the passing of Cornelius Allen, a beloved pet fish. He has left us here in the mortal world, and has been taken home by Poseidon, the father of the Seas. We come here today to mourn and to rejoice that the Father of the Seas has called his son home.

Please rise for the first song of mourning.
Nothing Else Matters

You may be seated.

Our Lord Poseidon, god of the Seas and protector of all those who dwell within, has called this young son home for the final time. We are left today to mourn the loss of our beloved fishy friend, Cornelius. We all rest assured that he is in the arms of our Lord, Poseidon, god of the Seas, and that he is indeed in a better place. We mark his passing with tears, but fear not, for though his mortal form has been presented to the porcelain gods, we know that Lord Poseidon will care for him, and that he will not be cast down into Davy Jones' Locker.

We now play the song that Cornelius' owner requested be played to mourn his passing.
By request: Night on Bald Mountain

Please be seated, as Kai Kiriyama will give the eulogy.

"Cornelius was a beloved pet fish.

He was a good fish. He was a very pretty fish. He was a betta, and, as bettas are wont to do, he was born with the most beautiful shades of blue and purple that I have ever been blessed to see upon a fish.

Cornelius lived a simple life, swimming aimlessly in his bowl in the kitchen. He slept in between the spiky leaves of his plastic plant, and he ate dried fish flakes with joy. He was larger than his dearly departed brother, Igor, and though they were in separate bowls, when they did see one another, Cornelius would flare out his neck frills and scare his brother off.

Cornelius seemed to always be looking for love, his tank was almost always rimmed with bubble nests he would spend hours creating to attract a mate, and though he died alone without ever finding a soul mate, he never once complained. And he never cursed the cruel hand of fate that brought him to live in the tank in the kitchen.

It was a shock, to be honest, that he passed on so suddenly. He showed no signs of sickness, and was just making bubble nests a few days ago.

But he is gone, and he went peacefully. As peacefully as one can expect from a fish dying so suddenly.

So now we are left to mourn his passing. As we do, we now commit his body to the porcelain gods, that his corporeal form may be spared the harsh disgusting reality of rotting in the trash. We bury him now amongst the porcelain gods, and we pray that he might find solace in the afterlife.

As the waters surrounding his burial take his lifeless, empty body away, we weep and ask that Poseidon takes his little fishy soul to the gates of fish heaven. We send our supplications and prayers that Cornelius will be born again in the crystal waters of Poseidon's rice paddies and that he may finally find peace and love amongst his dead fishy brethren."

And now, we pray.


Oh Lord Poseidon, also called Neptune,
We pray to you, wise ruler of the seas and all the creatures that swell within.
Please see our sorrow for the passing of your son, [Cornelius].
Look upon us mortals and give us your peace.
And as we so send the earthly remains of your son [Cornelius] to the watery grave of the Porcelain gods,
We pray that you will find his fishy soul and welcome him home to your palace in the heavens.
Give [Cornelius] a place amongst your kin,
And take him home to his heavenly court, and not to be damned in Davy Jones' Locker.
Wise Lord Poseidon, we beseech you.
Fishes to fishes, rust to rust.
Amen.

As you leave, this song begins to play, to remind you to go on living.
Going Out In Style

Kai Kiriyama is still alive in the YYC area, living with her pet hedgehog, Odin, and her snake, Rhaegar. She has not had enough sleep, or caffeine to make up for this blog entry.
You can find her (most of the time) sitting in her office behind her laptop and pretending to write.
If you have a eulogy you need to give, but would like her to write for you, contact Kai in one of the following ways:
Tweet to Kai: @thekiriyamaheir
Facebook: Kai Kiriyama on Facebook 
Or to talk to her in more than 140 characters, email her: thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com

It's the Principle of the Thing...

Like most people, I have a very core set of beliefs that define who I am. These beliefs define my faith (or faiths, as it were) and direct my moral compass. I like to think that everyone has these beliefs, though they are not all 100% identical to mine. And I will be the first to admit that once in a while, my moral compass behaves very much like the magical compass that Jack Sparrow has in Pirates of the Caribbean. Those are moments that I am not very proud of, however, it happens. There's nothing that I can do about it,  really, except maybe apologize when it's needed.

Now, these core beliefs, without getting into religious debate, are fairly basic. I don't advocate violence towards children. I don't advocate violence towards anyone. I believe in self-reliance. I don't advocate violence towards animals. I believe that everyone is created equally regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or anything else that you could possibly discriminate against someone with. I believe that everyone deserves the basic necessities for life. I believe that everyone has basic human rights that should be observed at all times.

Pretty basic things.

But I notice that a lot of people don't seem to have these same moral compass points. I am reminded today of this by the "outrage" over a specific character in the movie adaptation of "The Hunger Games" who was cast as a black child actor. Apparently, people were angry because they all envisioned this person as "angelic" which apparently translates to "blonde hair, white skin, blue eyes" or something similar. In the book (I have not read it, but I read the excerpt) this character was described as having "dark skin" or something similar to that description.

To me, that denotes darker than Aboriginal or Middle Eastern. Typically of African heritage.

I am aghast and disgusted by this outrage. When did it matter? When did our society get so bigoted? Are we going to regress back to segregation? Are we gonna start discriminating against the Irish next?

I'll admit that I have written characters with shaky morals. I have written some hurtful things IN CHARACTER. I have created, in my mind, horrible situations for people to be put in. I have written many of these things and have hoped to get certain bits of this work published.

But I wrote it in a work of fiction.

Does that make it okay? No.

Am I ashamed about it? No.

Do I believe any of what I wrote? HELL no.

I feel that we have to face our darkness if we ever expect to reach enlightenment. I have difficulty reading certain things. And I have more trouble writing them. Extreme violence is one. Racism is another. But I have pushed myself in order to grow as a writer. I still don't advocate it, but strife and conflict is what makes stories interesting.

Maybe, we ought to look at what really makes us tick and consider our beliefs a little more before we begin to pass judgement on others for being different.

Writing Processes...

I see a very common topic pop up all over writing blogs or blogs written by authors. Each person's "Writing process". It can be as in-depth or as vague as they want, and they always promote these blogs in particular.  The processes vary so much from one writer to the next. I don't think that there is any one true way to write or one process that's better than the next. Others will probably argue with me, but I think everyone has their own style and their own unique thought process that might help inspire others to write more or to look at their own unique writing process. And almost everyone I follow, admire read etc. has posted a blog like this at one point.

Okay, not everyone. Some people. And if not a blog, at least an idea or a theory on Twitter or Facebook. Advice, even.

I have a few thoughts of my own and a very specific process that I go through, and I am not here to say one process is better than the next, but I thought that I would share my process with you here today.

First in my writing process is a very simple step. I call it "Get an Idea." Usually these Ideas come at 3 a.m. or when I am trying to sleep. I am a mild insomniac (as I'm writing this I have been awake for 39 hours solid.) 3 a.m. is a very familiar time for me. But I digress. You have to get an Idea. Yes, Idea must be capitalized because that is the important part.

The next step is also really simple. Start by writing down your Idea. I have a notebook or sticky notes by my bed at all times because those Ideas show up at random times and I must immediately write them down. Then, when I have slept (or had a lot of caffeine) I can start building upon the Idea.

Which of course, is step three. Build your Idea. It's really simple! Look at the Idea. Let's use an example... "a monkey eats a banana that gives him magical powers." It's a pretty simple Idea. Once that is written down, and you have slept, had caffeine and are able to focus entirely on your Idea, you can start building on it. Ask yourself the important questions. "Who is this monkey?" "Why does he need powers?" "Where did the banana come from?" "What does he use his powers for?" etc. By asking these important questions, you should be able to move onto step four.

Build a timeline. Incorporate all your Ideas and answers to your questions. Let's assume the badguy is a plumber and the monkey is in love with a princess. But the plumber is in love with the princess too. The time line looks like this: Monkey sees princess- monkey falls in love -princess is in love with plumber - monkey eats bananas to drown his sorrow - gets powers - kidnaps princess - plumber comes to save his girl - big fight - the plumber wins -the end. You need to flesh out each portion, but once those steps are established, you can see your story taking shape.

Step five is to actually write the story. Fill in the holes, build the world, describe things. That's the fun part. Just do it. I'll wait.

Step six is editing. I usually give myself a few weeks off after finishing a novel before I begin editing. I don't agree with the "set your story aside for up to three months" method of editing. When I have an idea I want it out and perfected as soon as possible. Editing is the HARDEST part for me. I hate it. I hate the whole process. I am a perfectionist so everything SHOULD be perfect on the first go. But when I get into it, I can make those changes to make it perfect. I edit everything at once, make it perfect and THEN leave it. You can do this step however you like, but for me, getting the editing done once the story is told is the best way to get on with it.

From here, the process gets messy because so many people will tell you to do different things. Beta readers, critique groups, agents, whatever. You do what feels right to you. I am partial of having an outside opinion, a friend or my partner or even my sister, read the story in it's entirety and take notes and tell me what was good (or bad) and then I can consider and revise as needed.

I don't think that the creative process should be much harder than it already is. You put your heart and soul into your world. You give the characters life already, why make it more difficult than it needs to be? This is how I work. I suppose you'll have something different in the process, and who the hell am I to tell you how to write YOUR story? So go on, write. Because, I know that if you're anything like me, you'll NEED to.

Kai Kiriyama is an insomniac. This was written during 40 hours of awake time. She may be clinically insane now, but you'll still love her. 

As always, you can find her on Twitter at @thekiriyamaheir and her email is thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com or you can find her on Facebook at: facebook.com/AuthorKaiKiriyama.

Criticism, Television, Walkers, and Superviewers

I learned a new word today. "Superviewers". I don't know how I feel about this word.

I was reading an article online from the New York Times that Glen Mazzara (Show runner for The Walking Dead) tweeted earlier in regards to the season finale of The Killing. In it, the writer referred to a certain faction of viewers as "superviewers".

I think the easiest way to sum up the phrase is by describing these so-called superviewers as "fans [of whichever show, movie, media etc.] who use social media as a megaphone and/or mouthpiece to express their extreme emotions towards said media."

And this can be done for positive or negative.

I think it was a very good move for Mr. Mazzara to point this out because, in reality, the majority of the fans of The Walking Dead are extremely intelligent. At least, I like to think so, being one of those fans myself. I assume that there will be a lot more fans of The Walking Dead actually taking the moment to read the article. Whether the same fans take anything away from the article is a different story.

But I did, and that's the point.

I don't really comprehend the concept behind what makes a "superviewer." I use my social networking sites, Facebook, Twitter, etc. to connect with other fans and friends who are also fans. (Most of my real-life friends aren't Walking Dead fans, so I take what I can get. And that is not to downplay the awesomeness that is my internet friends. You guys fuckin' RULE.) I have had some really great, intelligent conversations with people online, especially on Twitter, regarding The Walking Dead. However, I've never expressed disappointment or any negative criticism towards the show. I admitted to crying and feeling very upset over the show, but I would, if I was involved with TWD,  take that as more of a compliment than anything else. I don't understand when people get up on a soapbox and complain about the "pace" of the episodes (or season) or "the lack of zombie mayhem." The writers and producers have a very clear vision of what they want this show to be and I feel that they have done an excellent job of showing us, as viewers, that vision.

I don't personally watch The Walking Dead to get a fix of zombie mayhem. I watch the show because it goes deeper into the psychological aspect of what would happen to the survivors of the zombie apocalypse. I like the fact that it is full of angst and drama. In fact, seeing these characters break down emotionally and try to recover while there are other people's lives depending on them is what makes the show seem more realistic and far more entertaining to me than if it was the same "see a zombie, shoot the zombie, hide from the zombie, scavenge some food whilst running from the zombies, regroup and hide some more, end with a BANG" formula that every zombie movie seems to employ.

I think that this is the problem with the fandom of zombie apocalypse things in general: we have grown accustomed to a one-shot movie that is no more than two hours long that takes us quickly through the emotional degeneration and survival-instinct kicking in phase, through the zombie mayhem and killing and typically ends with a punch and/or a bang.

When you draw that out into a season's worth of television programming, we lose track of how long has actually elapsed in the world. In The Walking Dead, it has only been about 2 months since the outbreak - and Rick was in a coma for the first few weeks of it! Of course these people are still going to be reeling about what's happened and the degeneration of civilization as we know it is still happening. They're not entirely sure how to cope with the losses of... well, everything. They are still trying to figure it out. And this is where the drama comes from. You can't expect everything to work perfectly, people die, zombies show up, everything goes to hell. You have to consider - and this is what I really loved about The Walking Dead - that stereotypes, racism, misogyny, gender roles, psychopathy, and all the other negative stuff that society keeps in check (usually) still exists. Without actual laws and law enforcement in place to keep these things in line, it's all going to run rampant. We have seen it happen in the show. (Merle, Ed, Lori, Shane all show off the things I just mentioned in the first 6 episodes...)

I don't get it when fans criticize the work that these people these PROFESSIONALS do. Weren't you entertained? Did you feel anything for the characters? You know you're coming back next week to watch it. And the week after. And the week after.

The season 2 finale had 9 MILLION viewers.

You watched it every week. Don't deny it. You probably watched the encore too. I know I did.

And The Walking Dead got me to bond with my 14 year-old sister who is also a fan. I go to mom's place to watch it with them every week during the regular season.

I don't have cable TV. I cancelled my subscription almost 6 months ago because I was tired of paying insane amounts of money (it was almost $80 a month for a  basic cable package) to watch Star Trek reruns and Doctor Who, if I was home in time to catch it. Which I never was. Because I work on Saturdays which is when it airs in my hometown.  And I am not a fan of most of the shows on TV these days. I have a very dry and "British" sense of humor. Sitcoms do not appeal to me.



I loved AMC, however. My partner and I would spend days off watching movie marathons and AMC's original programming for hours. AMC got me hooked on Westerns, namely Clint Eastwood's works. Hang 'em High is my favorite.

So please, if you're going to criticize the producers, don't harass them on Twitter. They have made themselves SO accessible to us, the fans, the viewers. So have the actors. Personally, I follow 3 writers, 2 Executive Producers, and 5 of the actors who I can think of off the top of my head on Twitter. I would hate to lose those privileges of being able to get my questions answered, or to see behind the scenes pictures that they share with us because of the soapboxing and the so-called "Superviewers".

I suppose that by writing this I am toeing the line of becoming a "superviewer" myself. But that's okay, because I'm done my soapboxing.

I'm really just looking forward to Season 3.

Kai Kiriyama is a novelist who has several books in the works and is hoping to write scripts for film and television one day, despite being unpublished outside of the internet. She lives in the frozen North with her hedgehog Odin, her snake Rhaegar and her laptop.

 You can find her on Twitter at @thekiriyamaheir and you can email her your arguments if you need more than 140 characters at thekiriyamaheir@gmail.com